Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

What an excellent day for an exorcism.

"Her head spun and although she knew she shouldn't, she moved her lips against his, tasting the forbidden."

Reader submission by DeanaTroi
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he'll take your word for it.

To Blackmail a Di Sione -- Rachael Thomas

That's called a tumor. And he should really get that looked at.

"He had a long, thick growth under his zipper."

Reader submission by curlicuetruth
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he'll take your word for it.

Mr. Perfect -- Linda Howard

"Yes, Clippy! Assist me! Assist me hard!"

"But she had already come once, and it would take more than fucking to get her to bust another ovary. Clippy seemed to sense it. 'It looks like you are trying to reach orgasm. Can I assist you using butt stuff?'
She nodded, beads of sweat jiggling on her forehead. With his rod so deep inside of her, Clippy was easily able to pick her up like a kebab and flip her over onto her hands and knees."

Conquered by Clippy -- Leonard Delaney

P.S. Special thanks to bisexualzuko and harlequin-resents for linking us to this masterpiece.

P.P.S. Happy 6th Blogversary, Uncle Walter!

When she breaks out your full name, you know you're in trouble

“His name erupted from her lips like a shot of hot lava escaping from a dormant volcano on the brink of exploding."

Reader submission by theahole
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he'll take your word for it.

Talk of the Town -- Beverly Barton

This is what happens when you're not allowed to say "cock."

"His hands moved to her buttocks and, curving around her bottom, pulled her into his already-aroused hard middle."

Reader submission and caption by theahole
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he'll take your word for it.

Only With the Heart -- Sandra Kitt

Penises. What are they? Who knows? Can't live with them. Can't find them sometimes. What's going on in their little heads? Don't ask me, I'm not a flippin' penis doctor.

"I grabbed my dick and started quickly jerking it. I did not need much more stimulation to erupt. With an audible squirt, the first blast of cum shot out of me, hitting Jason's face and sticking there like an oversized gooey cobweb."

Reader submission by Sara Winters
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he'll take your word for it.

Queer Nut For the Straight Butt -- Darian Brasher

Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, I'm hot for teacher...

"Miss Merrill even looks pretty talking about slime molds.
She was standing in front of our third-period advanced biology class, summarizing the reproductive habits of the simplest forms of life. Afternoon sunlight streamed in from the window directly behind her, and I tried not to stare at the outlines of her arms and legs through her blue cotton dress as she ticked off the important points.
'The slime mold is usually classified with the fungi, but it's almost equally close to the protozoa.' She raised her right hand for emphasis, and I saw that her arm was suntanned all the way down to her slender wrist. 'During its motile phase, when it's found under logs and leaves, it takes the form of solitary amoebalike cells, or multinucleate blobs of protoplasm called plasmodia.' Her soft lips wrapped themselves around the polysyllabic scientific terms with relish, as if she savored the feel of long words. 'During this motile phase, the slime mold feeds and grows.'
She paused to brush her light brown hair back from her neck. She's a petite and naturally graceful woman -- her slightest gesture looks like it belongs in a ballet. She's also the smartest, best educated, most independent woman I've ever met."

Reader submission by The Girl (aka daughter of UW and The Wife)
Uncle Walter has verified ownership of this submission.
We don't care that this is not meant to be a romance novel. This is assigned reading for The Girl and we cannot let it go without comment. So there.

California Blue -- David Klass

Very soft, very hot, very damp. Protected by Pythagoras.

"His fingers brushed the soft curls at the apex of her thighs. She was soft and moist. He stifled a groan. Gently, he eased himself between her legs, spreading them wider. He sank lower and lower against her, creating a havoc and a tempest within his blood. She had mesmerized him, enchanted him, bound him to her with some magical spell. He stroked her belly. The hot damp trail of his mouth followed. Ever lower he moved, caressing her, all of her, his fingers brushing the triangle that guarded her innocence, then exploring intimately, parting her, stroking her, bringing her to what he hoped was heaven to her.
Her fingers gripped his shoulders, her nails biting into his flesh. Within seconds he felt the sultry heat inside her. She was damp and hot and ready."

The Gift -- Christine Young

P.S. We would like to thank the author for bringing more of her writing to our attention.

Author Christine Young responds

Dear Ms. Young,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to our post of November 22, 2012. We understand that it can sometimes be hurtful to get negative feedback on your work, even years after the fact. We're not unsympathetic to your feelings.

To answer your questions:

Uncle Walter and I are both college educated. Uncle Walter is highly successful in his professional field. I am a stay-at-home-mom to our two children, but have also worked in professional fields. Both of us enjoy reading entertaining, well written books. Thank you for your interest!

We accept donations because we actually own each and every one of the books that are featured on our sites. That means, Ms. Young, that your vitriolic message has been sent to your paying customers. I just want to make sure you're aware of that. Especially since we own more than just one of your books. We have actually never accepted a monetary donation toward the blogs, though we have accepted numerous donations of books, and we have, in turn, made numerous donations. Our personal library is currently hovering somewhere around 12,000 books.

While we don't read each and every one of the books we feature (that would be incredibly time consuming, and this is more a hobby for us), we own them, we read many of them, and we skim them to see if they're something we'd like to read. The blogs were born out of my personal reading choices, which would sometimes involve hilariously bad writing.

Uncle Walter is a successful, published author (though not in the romance genre). Writing is more a hobby for him. I have edited several published books from several authors. None of which has any real bearing on whether or not we're able to tell good writing from bad (we are), but there you are.

I believe that answers the majority of your possibly genuine questions.

Our blogs serve two core purposes: to entertain (and our following certainly confirms to us that it is nothing if not that), and to illustrate how NOT to write. While your featured "sin" is not nearly as egregious as some, I stand by our assertion that "Tension ripped her insides to shreds" is poorly written. While being overly dramatic and exaggerated, it is also somehow completely vague in its description. You can argue that's just our opinion, but I'd respond back that our opinion is kind of the only one that matters to us. If it's not your opinion, then our opinion shouldn't matter to you.

The nature of a review of any sort (which is, ultimately, what being featured on our blog is) can be hurtful to an author. It's your baby. You ostensibly worked hard on it (though with some authors, that's definitely arguable). People should like it and love it and treat it with respect! But, as the saying goes, you can't please everyone. There will always be people who don't care for your creation. It's the nature of being a writer. Which is why the advice of every successful author is: do NOT respond to negative reviews.

But here's the thing: it was never about you. We didn't know you. All we knew about you was that a couple of years ago we found a pretty poorly written line in one of your books. It was done, gone, and despite having other works written by you, you weren't on our radar. Now we know that you cannot handle criticism. That when faced with criticism, you cannot respond in a professional manner. That your writing style doesn't improve with your personal correspondence.

And now, Ms. Young, you ARE on our radar. Taking a moment to skim through another of your books has led me to some other badly written passages. Not just a single line that was kind of funny, but a passage containing things such as "the triangle that guarded her innocence." Those fierce, protective triangles! So... thanks! We have more quotes!

If you have any further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact us again. We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

The Wife

(With approval and input by Uncle Walter)

A poop deck joke just seems too obvious. But, still... poop deck.

"Her touch at the nape of his neck, sharp fingernails trailing along his spine, soft, warm pads on the small of his back, strong digits grasping his flat, firm buttocks made his being soar like a schooner caught in a squall. Then she located his main mast and, with small, sure strokes, began to hoist sail."

Reader submission by theahole
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he'll take your word for it.

Shelter #18: Taboo Territory -- Paul Ledd