Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Major catastrophic collisions can take place in a fully mature planetary system.

"With his last thrust, we both dissolved into the sudden oneness of the universe, a climax of vaporous breath and billowing being, like planets merging."

Another Woman's Lipstick -- Elise D'Haene

 

In Memoriam -- Jo Beverley

In honor of the passing of iconic romance writer Jo Beverley, we're reposting a couple of our favorite quotes from her books.

Ever throw a hot dog down a hallway?

"He captured her lips and she poured desire back into him, still wanting, still needing, deep in her throbbing, cavernous core."
A Lady's Secret -- Jo Beverley

She threw the rapist out with the bathwater

"Free of water and rapist, she looked embarrassingly rapturous."

The Dragon's Bride -- Jo Beverley

Meat + pie = pasty

"She takes his meat stroking it in her hand, and leans in to kiss me deep, my pie turning warm and throbbing as Anna kisses me over and over again."

Louisiana Pam 'n Anna -- Hatemi Aminde Pendant

Sounds about right.

"'What do we call ourselves?'
'A militia!' they shouted in their best terror-inducing voices.
'And what do we want?' The Bear said.
'America! And something about land! And no more government! And the army killing jihadists and immigrants!' they shouted back.
The Bear raised his gun. 'And how are we gonna get it?'
'By hanging out with each other and ours guns for a year!' They devolved into unintelligible grunting again."

Oregon Patriots Occupied My Butt -- Leonard Delaney

P.S. Typo is that of the author, not Uncle Walter

A Marie Curie romance. Spoiler Alert: it doesn't have a happy ending.

"Every time my radiating bosom touched his fiery skin, I felt a shrill sensation of excitement coil through me, making my legs intertwine with his own, as though they were begging to be set free of my jeans."

Come Home Cowboy -- Alyssa Canter

From the new X-rated Peanuts Christmas Special

"No, what the holidays are really about is who can get pounded in the butt by a cup that represents not just one holiday, but every holiday. It's about having an open heart, and an open butt."

Oppressed in the Butt by My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups -- Chuck Tingle

Medieval torture or sex? It should be easier to tell.

"Never ending. The orgasm that claimed her seemed to never stop. Powerful, violent spasms ripped through her body, jerking through her muscles and tightening tender tissue on the impalements tormenting her.
Their cries joined hers, and seconds later their thrusts were harder, deeper, the lava-hot spurts of their semen filling her and sparking a second, harder orgasm inside her as two male voices grated their devotion in each ear."

Forbidden Pleasure -- Lora Leigh

They probably had pincers.

"She frowned at his genitals."

Taken -- Erica Conroy

It was the oral equivalent of Operation Barbarossa and it ended just as poorly.

"His lips and tongue engaged in a military assault on her mouth."

Curse of the Gargoyle -- Tara Nina

It took him 40 years to get there

"His hands went to her thighs, stroking upward toward the apex between them, rubbing with circular motions as he moved higher and higher until he reached the promised land."

Smoke on the Water -- Bianca D'Arc (The Beast Within)