Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

He sounds like Lucky the Leprechaun. Now imagine it. You're welcome.

"He stood at the foot of the bed, hungry as a wolf by the way he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and grinned. If it weren't for the fact he had her half-naked, and in the bedroom, she could have sworn he thought of a way to kill her. It was that kind of look."

Pistol -- Max Henry

Not to play into stereotypes but if he's that concerned with styling your hair he may not be all that into the sex part.

"He smiled down at her as he made sure to pat down her sex hair."

Bearllionaire -- Sky Publishing (Scent of Seduction)

It's Jake... from State Farm.

"My body shuddered because I wanted him right now. I don't care what he looked like. I was going to fuck his voice."

Broken -- K. Webster

Her vagina has a mind of its own.

"He laughed aloud as her ass squirmed on his lap, and unknowingly to Margie, her cuntal muscles began a kegeling action on him."

Disappointed -- Ellen Hill

Are they... uh... contortionists?

"Travis groaned and lifted Lily's other leg and secured it around her waist."

"There was no hesitation as he knelt beside her head and began greedily sucking his cock."

Beautiful Pleasure -- Lucia Jordan

Dear Author: You should show, not tell.

"'I know what you're thinking: cocky bastard! Asshole! A legend in his own mind! All true exclamations, my dear. But guess what? cocky bastard or not, if I were to lick you, nice and slow, right on your sweet button, the way you deserve to be licked, the way you've only ever dreamed of being licked, the way no man has ever done for you before, I guarantee it'd take me less than four minutes to deliver you unto pure ecstasy that would make you surrender to me, totally and completely.' I smile to myself.
'Yes, My Beautiful Intake Agent, if I were there to teach you what your body's divinely designed to do, you'd be forced to admit an immutable truth, whether you wanted to or not: In addition to me being one cocky-bastard-asshole-son-of-a-bitch motherfucker, I'm also the man of your dreams.'"

"This email is not an official Club communication. In fact, if anyone at The Club ever found out about it, I'd lose my job faster than I could say 'my sweet button' or 'petals falling off a flower' or 'plunging into me like a hot knife in warm butter,' or, perhaps, my favorite, 'cocky-bastard-asshole-son-of-a-bitch motherfucker.'"

"Actually, I just wanted to hate you, you cocky bastard asshole motherfucker."

"Now, before you start gloating or jacking off or doing whatever it is a cocky bastard like you does to celebrate your sexual godliness, let me tell you a few more truths -- the ones you might not like quite as much as the above entries."

"Perhaps every single woman you've ever been with has appeared to come during sex with the Magical Fuck Wizard himself, but, statistically speaking, at least ten percent of them are lying to you."

"Thanks to that application, she knows better than anyone -- literally, anyone -- just what a cocky-bastard-asshole-son-of-a-bitch motherfucker I really am."

"Why don't you read your cocky-motherfucker-asshole message to me?"

"Where's the cocky bastard motherfucker I am night and day with everyone else? That cocky fucker executes high-risk-high-reward strategies on a daily basis and climbs mountains with his bare fucking hands. He's the fucker, not the fuckee."

"I might be a cocky-son-of-a bitch-asshole, but I'm not a total and complete dick, okay?"

"You're a cocky-asshole-motherfucker, you know that?"

The Club -- Lauren Rowe

Sounds about right.

"'What do we call ourselves?'
'A militia!' they shouted in their best terror-inducing voices.
'And what do we want?' The Bear said.
'America! And something about land! And no more government! And the army killing jihadists and immigrants!' they shouted back.
The Bear raised his gun. 'And how are we gonna get it?'
'By hanging out with each other and ours guns for a year!' They devolved into unintelligible grunting again."

Oregon Patriots Occupied My Butt -- Leonard Delaney

P.S. Typo is that of the author, not Uncle Walter

With a name like that, it's no wonder it was trying to escape.

"Tray moaned as her fingers started to loop over the sensitive tip of his privates, rubbing in circles with the moisture that was escaping there."

Rocky Mountain Hook Up -- Kate Fargo

We're pretty sure these are not appropriate interviewing techniques, and she's overqualified anyway

"'You're too horny for a job like this. Why are you applying?' It was strange having a serious conversation with a man who was deep in her pussy for the sole purpose of ascertaining if she was suitable for a job, but powerless underneath him, it wasn't like she really had any say in the matter."

Sleeping Lady -- Cleo Peitsche

Unless he's a Witch Doctor dispensing romantic advice, there's no excuse for this.

"'Oh. Oh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Oooooooooooooh,' he said, as he pushed a little deeper into me and finished his powerful orgasm, robbing me of mine."

Single -- Lyra Parish