Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

He's doing it very wrong.

"She stiffened in shock when Rand suckled her tongue like a babe nursing."

Embrace Me Sweet Stranger -- Candace McCarthy

He sounds like Lucky the Leprechaun. Now imagine it. You're welcome.

"He stood at the foot of the bed, hungry as a wolf by the way he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and grinned. If it weren't for the fact he had her half-naked, and in the bedroom, she could have sworn he thought of a way to kill her. It was that kind of look."

Pistol -- Max Henry

This is going to end in disappointment for at least one of them.

"Every man I met zeroed in on my boobs like a baby wanting milk. There was no milk, but I never minded them trying."

Hunting for Love -- Jodie Springer

Hunting for Love is no longer available at Amazon so here's an ad for small game hunting.  Same thing right?

Even the title is all jacked up

"Leslie turned to evade his outstretched arms, but was brought up short when one of his hands tangled itself in the streaming strands of her hair.  She twisted about, the movement bringing a shooting pain to her head as his hold tightened.  'You’re hurting me,' she cried from between clenched teeth.
'Then don’t fight me,' he warned her."

Reader submission by theahole who noted that this is the love interest.
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he'll take your word for it.

 Love Has No Mercy -- Eleanor Woods

With just as little skill

"He pulled his finger out and began to play with my tender clit. Vigorously circling it like a finger-painting child."

Gloria's Secret -- Nelle L'Amour

But it only knew children's songs, which was super awkward.

"My cock still hummed with the pleasure from her perfect, tight cunt."

Bastard's Baby -- B.B. Hamel

Maybe if you treated it a little nicer it would behave better

"Feeling primed up again, he slid his hand down the front of his pants and palmed his cock. This time, the bastard jumped to life in an instant, hot, stiff, and ready to rock.
That's fucking more like it, asshole."

Snowed In with the Bad Boy -- Sylvia Pierce

Why just write about fat people when you can really, really insult them, too?

"This is amazing.
The thought echoed throughout the woman's head as if she never had fast food before. Incidentally, she's been having it several times a day, every day, for the past decade. It never got old.
How can something this tasty not be good for you? The woman thought as she took another bite of her cheeseburger, the sixth one in a row she's had within the last half an hour.
Worth every penny, she concluded as the creamy filling melted, spreading within her oral cavity, as well as every additional pound. Playfully, she caressed the bulk of her belly, now even more swollen due to the sizeable meal she's had.
Pamela, old girl, you seem to have attained a new record, the woman mused, unable to see the palms of her hands as they've grasped the majority of her bulk. To most of the world, her size was something to be ashamed of.
For Pamela Greene, Professor of World Literature, it was a point of pride. Few were the women with the courage not to conform to the rigid standards of beauty imposed by modern society, and fewer still were those who chose to toss them out of the window and embrace their exact opposite.
And what kind of a life would the other option be? Pamela asked herself as she finished her burger, swallowing what was left of it with absolute pleasure. Dieting, exercising, having to plan your whole day out around some rigid program that 'guaranteed' success? Not for me, thank you."

Just Menaged to Forgive -- Jodie Springer

Photo from Jodie Springer's Author Page

 

Like some sort of parasitic twin, or teratoma? Uh... sexy?

"They moved together in mounting urgency, the sweetly scented bedcoverings crushed beneath them. Surrounded by the wind and consumed by the fire between them, they mated.
It felt eternal. Enduring and infinite. As if he were the rest of her, some part she left behind before birth."

Always -- Carol Rose

From the new X-rated Peanuts Christmas Special

"No, what the holidays are really about is who can get pounded in the butt by a cup that represents not just one holiday, but every holiday. It's about having an open heart, and an open butt."

Oppressed in the Butt by My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups -- Chuck Tingle