Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

If DeBeers sold vaginas.

"His throbbing shaft nudged the final barrier of her maidenhead at the heart of the satiny folds, rubbing against the pearl of her desire."

Twin Passions -- Miriam Minger

Don't piss off your mail carrier.

"She cried out. Her body strained to accommodate him, yet there was no pain. Only sheer, incandescent joy that spread in rippling waves outward from the center of her being until she was enveloped in it, lifted and sent hurtling toward the burning heart of a sun that opened to receive them both."

Change of Plans -- Maura Seger

Fetish specific porn excerpts

"His tongue circled around maddeningly inside her, the tip flicking teasingly against the wet, sensitive sore walls of her pussy lips like the lapping of a puppy dog."

Let Me Count the Passions -- Hugh L. Getit

There's going to be a lot of... jiggling?... and bursting?... and... uh... look, it's not going to be pretty.

"Alexia popped like a champagne cork, pleasure spewing from her in an explosion."

Bonus from back blurb:

"Scientist Alexia Lane has sex on the brain -- partly for work, but mostly because she needs a man who makes her girly parts do the happy dance."

A SEAL's Seduction -- Tawny Weber

I don't belong here! I want to go home! I want my mother!

"Todd thrust deep. Wet heat wrapped around his cock, held his flesh prisoner."

Free Agent -- Roz Lee

They sell those on late-night infomercials

"Your cock looks so smooth and lickable. Like a big tube of all-male goodness."

Collateral Damage -- KS Augustin

How to alienate your target audience in one sentence.

"She trembled and her dark eyes grew even darker, but she kept talking. Just like a woman."

Main Attraction -- Anna J. Evans

Link is for a different book by the same author.

Which was good; last time he used the valet and she got a ding.

"Nick drove himself smoothly and deeply inside her."

Jilted! -- Karen Young (Marriage For Keeps)

Be happy it's not real life. In real life people have a tendency to die when they explode.

"Mariah arched upward and shuddered with ecstasy just as he exploded inside her, gasping her name like she'd saved his life.
Of course, that was fantasy."

All In -- Kate Willoughby

Unless it has a black belt in nipple-fu. Then it might.

"One nipple is not going to kill you."

Friends with Full Benefits -- Luke Young