Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Only you can prevent small garden fires

"Immediately, an orgasm began to boil up in my loins, the warning butterfly flutter started somewhere in my womb, blossoming."

Costume Manor Orgy -- Alison

It brought Archduke of Testicle and Viscount de Scrotum to see Lady Labia

"This was the emperor of all penises. King Penis."

Reader submission by kittyphoe
Uncle Walter is not responsible for the accuracy of reader submissions. In other words, if it's wrong, it ain't his fault!

Private Pleasures -- Bertrice Small

Romance Novel Cliché Bingo. I think we have a winner.

"He gave her another hard kiss and she could feel his shaft grow monstrously erect against her leg. As he bunched up the fabric of her dress, his breathing came in ragged spurts. He slid a hand up her thigh. Hot and completely aroused, Isabella sucked in a sharp breath. Her folds flooded with moisture in anticipation of his fingers reaching her center.
Like a silent thief, Draven's fingers stole inside her pantalets and combed her soft curls. Carefully but very firmly, he located her damp petals. As he captured her mouth, his fingertips caressed the sensitive skin of her flanges and while his hand moved in tighter circles toward her center, she spread her legs so that he could delve a finger inside her.
At the feel of it, Isabella swore she could see the gates of heaven."

Beauty and the Wolf -- Marina Myles

If we had to take a guess, we'd say you're coming on a little too strong

"Oh, Merlin, why don't you dry hump me right on the dance floor? Here's my phone number. Let me stuff it in your crotch."

A Trashy Affair -- Lynn Shurr

Right clear. Left clear. All clear. There's only one right way to do it, and a hundred wrong ways.

"She swamped his senses until only she existed. Mehan swept his tongue along the seam of her lips. When she allowed him entry, he did a thorough sweep of the inside of her mouth."

Soul Hunger -- Marisa Chenery

Unfortunately it was Ranch flavored

"He’d like that place to be the hot juicy valley between her jeans-clad thighs."

Resisting Nick -- Kris Pearson

Time for some downsizing. But not like that. Not like that.

"He wanted to teach her slowly, to bring her gently to erotic life. But her words fueled his need, and his need was so much more desperate than he had realized. His staff was swollen near bursting. Near pain. He wanted hours to please her. Instead, he found himself lowering her to the bed beneath him.
He pulled her gown up to her waist; he bared her round pink breasts. She wore nothing underneath her gown. He positioned his aching length between her soft thighs. His staff met damp curls, a warm and slippery woman's entrance.
His blunt, hard tip pressed against her moist opening. He groaned with the force of primal lust. Her legs wrapped around his, angling her firm bottom for his entry. His staff pulsated, and her woman's mound throbbed, too. It was delicious sex, pure and untarnished. He drove himself deep inside her and her soft flesh squeezed tight around his length."

The White Sun -- Stobie Piel

Okay. Uh, okay. Kind of sweet. Okay. Okay... Really?

"Tangled round each other, they kissed. Starving, open-mouthed desperation. Kisses of shared loneliness. Of painful separation. Of heartfelt love and renewed fascination.
Hip rocking, blood-thickening and gunmetal hot."

To Desire a Scoundrel -- Tracy Sumner

You are compatible. You are intelligent. You will be upgraded. You will become like us.

"She hissed, breathing through her mouth as she tried to assimilate her body to his gorgeous invasion."

Misplaced Princess -- Mari Carr & Lexxie Cooper

If it's what you hear at :34, followed by 1:37, congratulations: you've just had sex with a bear.

"With a groan like that of a wounded bear, Morgan dropped his full weight to his elbows, brushing back her hair and kissing her tenderly on the nose. His heart pounded against hers. His breathing was labored. And she became aware of every steaming inch of him that touched her naked skin."

Loving the Highlander -- Janet Chapman