Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Okay, Thumper in the room while we do this? Super awkward.

"She raised her hips, rotated them, swallowed his groan with a kiss, and milked his sex so he rushed toward his climax, her wallowing in the power of his final orgasmic thrust.
Whomp! The muffled sound filled the room, bouncing around them with a slow, lowering echo: Whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp... whomp."

Bedeviled Angel -- Annette Blair

A two-stroke engine that was low on its oil/gas mix. "Two-Stroke" was right.

"No heart? Then what was pumping the blood round that magnificent body?"

Captive at the Sicilian Billionaire's Command -- Penny Jordan

In hindsight, the Tetrabromobisphenol A styling gel was a better choice than waxing

"Her bared breasts were touching Burt's naked chest. Her nipples had turned into twin points of fire, stinging with hot burning pain. The only hope of extinguishing the feirce flame was to press closer to that hard-muscled male flesh. The only soothing balm for such sweet agony was to bury the aching points of pure sensation more deeply in the dense growth of crisp black hair covering his broad torso."

Because You're Mine -- Nan Ryan

They weren't getting their "Safe Voyeur Discount" this year

"Their shoulders accidentally bumped.
Both jumped back as if burned, but their eyes suddenly collided with each other."

 Nobody's Princess -- Jennifer Greene

It's been years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species, fatal or non-fatal?

"She had no idea how to help him. And while it would be interesting to have a reputation for being so wild in bed that a man's guts spilled open, she knew that was not the case here -- and if it were, it would be entirely too gross and frightening to ever attempt an encore."

The Fire King -- Marjorie M. Liu

She was going to have a very difficult time explaining away that scar

"His manhood, hard velvet, burned against her belly."

Pleasures of a Notorious Gentleman -- Lorraine Heath

Help me! I broke apart my insides!

"The heady sensations built higher, and she cried out as he kept fondling her sensitive cleft, using his shaft to torment her from the inside. The orgasm struck without warning, a shattering wave that ripped through her. She gripped his hair and went liquid against his erection, riding him as he moved inside."

A Wish to Build a Dream On -- Michelle Willingham

So that explains how he got in there.

"Then she pulls her lips apart as wide as she can, about fourteen inches. Her hips pop out of joint like the jaws of a snake opening up for its prey.
'Come on,' she says.
She's so wet that she can't hold onto the sides very well. They keep slipping out of her fingers. I crawl onto the bed in front of her and kiss her, she tongues my cheek sloppily. I make a fin with my hand and slide that in first, then my other hand, and separate her opening as wide as I can.
I look up at her. She doesn't say anything. Just licks her trembling lips. I notice that I'm also trembling. My hands shaking like the first time I ever had sex.
'If I get claustrophobic I'm coming back out,' I tell her.
She pushes my face down into her crotch, like she does when she wants oral sex. I push my arms through up to the elbows. I can see them moving inside her belly. Then I put the top of my head into the opening and push.
Stacy cries out and begins masturbating again. I can feel her fingers against the back of my head. I don't know if it turns her on or if my scratchy hair is hurting her and she needs more lubrication. I push again. She cries out again. It's impossible. I'm stuck. I shove again, but don't budge an inch." 

The Haunted Vagina -- Carlton Mellick III

Jeez! WTF is wrong with this poor woman? Raccoon eyes and flaming... fur?

"She'd opened the curtains, and sunlight blazed into the room, setting each strand of her hair crackling with fire and bleaching away the shadows under her eyes."

And

"The firelight turned her pubic hair to flame."

Taste Me -- Tamara Hogan

P.S. Yes, we used this book yesterday. But can you blame us??

This isn't the Simile Olympics. There's no prize for shoving this much random crap into a chapter.

"His lips cruised over hers, a wisp of sensation. A soft flick of his tongue over the center of her lower lip teased her unbearably. The softness of his lips contradicted the coiled strength of his body, barely leashed. Too soft. Not enough. Grabbing at his hair, she tugged his head toward hers. She wasn't going to let him treat her like a fairy tale princess cocooned in glass.
She almost heard his control snap. Holding her head in place, he crushed his lips down on hers, and plundered. His dark taste swam through her like a heady wine. When his teeth joined his tongue in a game of nip and smooth, she wove her fingers into his tabby cat hair -- and bit back.
Cupping her butt in his hands, he lifted her off her feet, rubbing her dewy core against his groin with frank hunger. She wound around him, clinging like a monkey on a tree. He used the freedom to caress and fondle, tracing a torturously slow route down the back seam of her jeans, between her cheeks and beyond. When he finally palmed her humid center, it was all she could do to hold on.
A moan slipped out of her throat as she rocked against his hand, driving for the resolution that was just beyond her reach. She buried her face in the crook of his neck as the tension built. Where was her pride, her embarrassment? She was riding him like a prize stallion, but he wasn't complaining. And she couldn't stop, not now. Not when she was so close.
Then his clever fingers shifted and pressed -- just enough for her to shatter and break apart in his arms.
After a while, he kissed her on her forehead, walked over to the couch, and gently set her down. Her now seated position gave her a front row view of his massive hard-on. She half reached for him, with thoughts of finally getting her mouth on him again filling her brain.
Suddenly his mini-comp vibrated and pulsed at his waistband. Lukas growled and gave her a ferocious kiss." 

Taste Me -- Tamara Hogan