Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

They're so ugly, your baby had to get drunk to breastfeed!

"He caressed, taunted, teased her breasts through the fine layer of silk, then tweaked the tie undone and slipped his hand beneath."

A Gentleman's Honor -- Stephanie Laurens

The key is the pump for a tailor-made fit

"She shivered,  moaning around the cock inflating by the second."

Northern Exposure -- Jayne Rylon, Mari Carr

Everything was great until she made a bag of popcorn. Should've read the pacemaker warning. What a mess.

"The frantic beat of his pulse thudded through his chest into hers, taking control of her heart and making it beat in the same rhythm."

Dragon's Fire -- Tielle St. Clare

He was a turd. How apropos.

"He could see that she was red and swollen, but thankfully he hadn't caused her to hemorrhage nor given her tiny anus hemorrhoids."

Best Night Ever -- Keara Kevay

If only someone else hadn't gotten to the library's copy of "Sex For Dummies" first!

"'A-aren’t you supposed to move?' She certainly wasn’t an expert, but she’d seen enough romantic movies to get the general idea."

Double Dare -- Rhonda Nelson

So she fed him a carrot and rubbed him down

"His nostrils flared... in an adorable way."

Sex, Lies, and Vampires -- Katie MacAlister

Bad time to run out of KY Orajelly

"His cock was throbbing like a damn toothache with no relief in sight."

Alexandra's Legacy -- N. J. Walters

He finally found Jesus! He's always in the last place you look.

"He stood with one hand gripping the door handle, the other pressed flat against the outside wall, merely leaning into the room, which was as far as he got when he saw her. And he didn't move from that position -- at least his body didn't. His eyes were moving plenty, however, slowly, over every inch of her, from the flame-tinted hair, now in wild disarray, to the bare toes peeking out from the bottom of that incredible sheath of shimmering, clinging green satin, and what was in between -- Christ Almighty."

Savage Thunder -- Johanna Lindsey

There's a storm blowin' up -- a whopper, to speak in the vernacular of the peasantry.

"Then they broke through the clouds and the sunburst took them. The glory fractured, shattered, and poured through them. Rained down on them. Drove them at the last, gasping and shuddering, onto some far-distant shore."

A Gentleman's Honor -- Stephanie Laurens

Rejected slogans for VIAGRA

“See if that’ll put some wood in your willie!”

The Ripening Time -- Catherine MacLeod