Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

One-Two-Three-Four I declare Tongue War

"She wanted a toe-to-toe, hip-to-hip, lip and tongue confrontation."

Masked by Moonlight -- Nancy Gideon

Ever since it saw that Al-Qaeda training video, his penis had been looking for a chance for glory.

"His groin wanted to explode."

The Playboy Sheikh's Virgin Stable-Girl -- Sharon Kendrick

And he thought their first date had ended poorly when he woke up in that bathtub without his kidney.

"He had a sensation not unlike that of drowning, and he knew she had extracted his heart from his body!"

Velvet Chains -- Constance O'Banyon

The real reason most kids stop sitting on Santa's lap.

"He chuckled, his belly and cock jiggling."

Pleasuring the Pirate -- Emily Bryan

*poof!* She had an eye patch and a peg leg. What did he expect? That wasn't a lamp and she wasn't a genie.

"He smiled and rubbed himself against her from side to side.

'Aaaaaaarrrrrgh!' she ground out."

The Love Potion -- Sandra Hill

A typical day for a vaginal Life Guard. It was sticky, but at least he didn't mind the "snowballs."

"She was lost, drowning in the heady sensation of his hot seed flooding her womb, exulting in the feel of his flesh pulsating in a rapturous tandem with her own."

Blackmailed Into the Italian's Bed -- Miranda Lee

Like a phallic SCUD, it came in off-target and her molar based Patriot Missiles had to take it out

"And to prove it, she licked the underside of his penis, gratified when his growing erection jumped toward her mouth like a pleasure-seeking missile."

Under His Skin -- Jeanie London

Finally, Scrappy Coco was able to decode the genome sequence for the Avalon

"She was trading sex for a great big maybe -- maybe he had a bonafide secret and maybe it was some crazy hair technique combined with his DNA, which meant that it wouldn't work on anyone else. Talk about a longshot."

Once Upon a Bite -- Kimberly Raye (Blazing Bedtime Stories)

He's got hungry eyes... and a tongue coated with melittin

"His blue eyes glittered as they devoured her, palms closing covetously over her full, upthrusting breasts, pressing them high as his mouth lowered to suck again and again of their nectar, first one and then the other, teeth grazing their hearts, tongue stinging like a bee, flicking her nipples into hard, roseate buds bursting to unfurl."

Swan Road -- Rebecca Brandewyne

Choose Your Own Adventure Quote: Pick your scene by selecting the appropriate semicolon

"When he had made her laugh over dinner on Friday night, his vivid blue eyes twinkling an appreciative tease as he remarked on Jeannette's delicious veal dish being the perfect offering of the fatted calf for the prodigal son; in the stables on Saturday morning after an exhilarating ride; relaxing on sunlounges after a swim in the pool when she couldn't help admiring his athletic physique, sleek-wet masculinity glistening, urging a desire to touch."

Bought for Revenge, Bedded for Pleasure -- Emma Darcy