Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

As King Missile is wont to say, Detachable Penis

"The limbs broke off, and the unmentionable fell to the ground, helpless."

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies -- Jane Austen, Seth Grahame-Smith

One of the drawbacks to doing it doggy style

"You sound like a wet cloth slapping at an open wound."

Season of the Sun -- Catherine Coulter

Thankfully she'd brought her machete

"She didn't really know what she'd expected, but it wasn't this warm, silky stalk, thick as a tree limb and throbbing with life."

Sweet Everlasting -- Patricia Gaffney

Entering the vagina in 1.5 inches. You have arrived at your destination.

"The kiss was honey-sweet, tantalizing for its languid slowness, drowning her in a pool of pure sensation, and this soon grew into a white-hot heat, for his fingers were now tracing a course between her thighs, stroking, lightly stroking."

Jesse's Lady -- Veronica Sattler

He discovered the secret entrance to the phantom zone in the last place he expected it

"Soon he was teasing her nether lips with feather-light strokes of his fingers. Meanwhile, then tip of his manhood withdrew to pulse lightly against her feminine core, just barely teasing at the portal."

High Intensity -- Dara Joy

And this quote can act as the fertilizer

"The world exploded inside her head as she felt him move inside her, driving her wild with his hard touch as he planted his seed deep within a nurturing place and ignited an undying flame of desire and love for him that would guide the rest of her life."

Chance the Winds of Fortune -- Laurie McBain

The romance writer's writer's Bingo! award goes to...

"His loins tightened, and he groaned as her fingers caressed the tumescent length of his impassioned manhood."

Lovestorm -- Judith E. French

Because whittling is my passion

"Keep it there until I can imprint it on your mind and carve it into your heart."

A World Apart -- Emma Darcy

For dry, red eyes, the answer is clear: a fire extinguisher

"His eyes were smoldering as they caressed her face, her neck, her hair."

Brave the Wild Wind -- Johanna Lindsey

She should have worn the asbestos diaphram when she had that fling with Johnny Storm

"With a barely muted scream, she fractured, her body molten fire in his arms -- her sheath clamping scalding hot about him, her womb a beckoning furnace..."

The Elusive Bride -- Stephanie Laurens