Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

And that was just the foreplay!

"You manhandled me, dragged me into a fire, tore open my head and smashed my brain flat, tore off my clothes and kept me a prisoner!"

Raintree: Inferno -- Linda Howard

It feels like... a bag of sand... or a stuffed Cookie Monster doll

"'Not want you!' he whispered again, then he entwined his legs tightly around hers while his hands sought her breasts, pressing and squeezing them like plush toys in the hands of a greedy child."

Secrets of the Heart -- Joan Lord Matthews

He lit the fuse but forgot to run away

"She arched up, blind with the sensation of it as he drew her clit into his mouth and sucked until rapid-fire orgasms had her bucking against him, flying over her body like sparks."

Pick Me Up -- Samantha Hunter

It was the long ears and the twitching nose... or maybe the carrot

"But even his promising career couldn’t make her forget the fact that he made love like a rabbit."

Reader submission by Chris Schwartz
Uncle Walter is not responsible for the accuracy of reader submissions.  In other words, if it's wrong, it ain't his fault!

Lead Me On -- Victoria Dahl

The bananas in his ears were very reassuring

"Desire raced through her body and her fingers clenched at the thought of touching him. Suddenly, crocodiles didn't seem like such a big deal."

The Mighty Quinns -- Kate Hoffmann

Who would have thought that a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me?!

"When her tongue moved against his, the taste grew richer. Lily felt herself melting, skin, muscle, bones."

Early to Bed? -- Cara Summers

Alka Seltzer to the rescue

"Her heart had plummeted at the first touch of his hand on her hip, and now it beat crazily in her stomach."

Forever and a Day -- Mary McBride

It was a fact he took for granite

"Women were as common as rocks, and one was nearly the same as another."

Three Nights... -- Debra Mullins

And the Snickers just wasn't doing it

"Sensation exploded within her loins and she moved on his impalement, wanting satisfaction for the craving deep within her."

Forbidden Fires -- Bobbi Smith

Friday Night Special -- No caption. This can stand on its own two feet.

"'Oh, Bobby, Bobby, we're being so wicked.  On a Sunday, no less.'
'Naw, honey, we're being good.'
'I ain't never felt nothin' like this.'
He struggled to keep his mouth attached to her breast.
'Easy, sugar, you're flat gonna pitch me off.'
'Oh, Bobby, I just can't stand it. You make me want to move.'
'That does it,' Billy said, feverishly reaching beneath her skirts, pulling down her drawers, touching her wetness.
Dumpling froze. 'Bobby, this is going too fast -'
Billy smiled tenderly into her eyes. 'Don't you trust me, sugar?'
'Oh, yes!'
'Just hold onto me tight, then. And call me Billy.'
'Billy?'
'Billy. Yeah, Billy. It's my nickname.  But only when we're alone.'
'All right... Billy.'
'Ah, you make me wild when you call me that.'
His merest stroking made her wilder yet. Billy tried to hold Dumpling still as he caught her lips in a sweet, tender kiss. When he felt her relaxing, responding, felt the wetness spreading between her thighs, he thought he might explode right then and there, his passion for her was so overpowering. Struggling to keep control, he eased his fingers away and mounted her. She panicked and clenched her thighs together.
'Billy!'
He smiled down into her eyes. 'Let me in, darling. Spread those thighs. Come on, now. There, that's so good...'
Dumpling complied, only to cry out as Billy began to penetrate her. 'Billy - oh, it smarts.'
'I know, angel, but not for long.' Smiling, he positioned himself firmly between her thighs, so she wouldn't be able to close on him again. 'You know you're a big woman where it matters, and just as small where it counts.'
Dumpling smiled then, only to scream softly as Billy penetrated her fully. Even as shudders shook them both, she tossed her head and bit a fist. 'Oh, Billy, Billy. Oh, it hurts, but so damn good!'
Billy was beyond replying, totally focused on the exquisite womanflesh squeezing about him. Dumpling was tight, velvety, so hot. He eased back and forth, tasting her, teasing her, spreading her wetness. Her moans further stoked his passions, and even though she was slick now, her virgin flesh gripped him with a pressure and friction that almost shattered his control. He pulled back and penetrated deep, beginning to move in earnest.
The sounds of Dumpling's hoarse cries reached his ears, urging him on. He plunged again and again, heightening the torment, driving them both to ecstasy. At last he fell on her, kissing her as she clung to him and quietly sobbed in pleasure and release.
'You all right, sugar?' Billy asked afterward. He and Dumpling had undressed and lay naked beneath the sheets.
Stretching like a plump, contented cat, Dumpling grinned back. 'I'm fine.'
He moved aside the sheet and glanced down. 'Ain't that blood on the sheet?'
She eyed him dreamily. 'Yeah, Billy, ain't no doubt a'tall that you're my first.'
'Ah, honey.' Brimming with pride, he leaned over and kissed her breast. 'Sure you're all right?'
She chuckled. 'Reckon I'm as sore as a greenhorn after a bronco ride - but I ain't never felt better.'
Billy cuddled Dumpling close and ran his tongue over her cheek. 'Ready for another ride, angel?'
'Just pitch me into the saddle, cowboy.'"

Bushwhacked Bride -- Eugenia Riley