Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

The loincloth did little to hide his reaction to her drunk and mountainous boobies

"As she watched, feeling like a deliciously aroused voyeur, her breasts tightened and the nipples stood up like small insistent peaks, sending a sensual charge through her that intoxicated every cell in her body.
'Edgar Rice Burroughs probably said it best,' Luke said, an undertone of wry humour in his voice, 'when he wrote, 'Me Tarzan, you Jane.'"

Virgin Bought and Paid For -- Robyn Donald

It's been a while since we had an orgy

"Her blood felt like it had been diluted with five parts of vodka as misery churned inside her, mixing uneasily with wild relief."

She was shaken, not stirred.

"White-hot tongues of electricity sizzled up her arm and exploded inside her, simply from the contact of his body beneath the shirt."

Either she was aroused, or she was having a heart attack, but either way she needed an aspirin.

"Viciously she yanked his arms up, standing on her tiptoes to pull the shirt over them, her breath coming in uneven gasps with the effort of manhandling his immensely powerful body, and of hiding the screaming, treacherous desire that it aroused in her."

Not a martini this time, but a Screaming Orgasm.

"'I think I'll take my chances with the cold rather than wear an England shirt for any longer than necessary,' he said brutally, closing his eyes briefly as the icy water tore into him like the teeth of some savage animal. For a second his body screamed with exquisite agony before numbness took hold, mercifully obliterating the insistent pulse of desire that had been reverberating through him since Tamsin had tried to strip the shirt from him."

Yeah, being mauled by a Puma can have that effect on a person.

"I'm not having my daughter mauled by the entire team like some Playboy bunny."

Do Pumas run in teams? They *do* prefer bunnies!

"He made a sharp, scornful sound -- halfway between a laugh and a sneer, which sent a tide of heat flooding into Tamsin's face and a torrent of boiling fury erupting inside her."

What would that be called? A snaugh? A leegh?

"Brimstone sparked in the depths of her green eyes."

Her eyes reeked of emerald sulfur.

"Close enough to hear her little shivering gasp, close enough to see the instant darkening of her eyes as his words hit her and the flashing anger was swallowed by spreading pools of desire at their centre."

 If you can hear this, you're too close.

"The thought sent a gush of arousal crashing through her."

The "old faithful" between her legs had erupted.

"It was like drowning slowly in warm syrup...delicious...but no less terrifying for it."

Roses are red, violets are purple, sugar is sweet, and so's maple syrple -- sweet and deadly.

"Her whole body vibrated with want, arching towards him, opening like some exotic, fleshy flower, oozing nectar."

You're just jealous because your flower is puny and made of meat.

"If you'd wanted someone with the domestic skills of Snow White, you should have gone to Disneyland."

But you'd better be prepared to share with 7 little men.

"The irritation that had been simmering inside her for the last hour now came bubbling up, like milk coming to the boil."

And she screamed, like a teapot whistle, "Would anyone like some cocoa???"

"Her eyes were the cool, shady green of an English woodland in summertime, and they seemed to draw him into their quiet depths."

There were bunnies, and birds and little duckies... maybe she WAS Snow White...

"As the darkness had deepened outside her reflection had gradually come to life, like a Polaroid photograph developing, and he found his eyes were constantly drawn to it, noticing the way she chewed her bottom lip when she was reading, and how her fingers stroked the hair behind her ears."

Like a car accident, or some pus-filled boil, her reflection held his gaze.

"And then he left, as swiftly and brutally as he had come, slamming the door shut behind him."

Thank you! Cum again!

"She ran her shaking hands through her hair in the manner of someone who was perfectly relaxed and didn't have her pockets stuffed with condoms."

Like a good boyscout, she was always prepared -- for that random gang-bang.

"His hair was slicked back and damp from the shower, and in the golden morning sunlight he looked like something from an advert for men's expensive grooming products -- relaxed, tanned, fresh, and gut-wrenchingly gorgeous."

Just looking at him gave her severe diarrhea. If he looked any better, Uncle Walter would be back in the hospital!

"She felt her stomach tighten and heat spread downwards through her as her imagination supplied fanciful meaning to the delicious-sounding words she couldn't understand."

Packet loss is packet loss, even if it is spoken in Java.

"A wave of liquid heat crashed through her. She looked up to find his eyes on hers, filled with smouldering amusement."

Liquid heat, liquid paper. It was all pretty damn amusing.

"Skilled and professional though it was, tonight her touch did nothing but set his teeth on edge."

Upgrayedd was going to be pretty pissed tonight.

"Away from the fingers that were tracing languorous circles of bliss on her thigh."

The onion-skin made it easy for him.

"Her body was hot and damp, the silk of her tunic was clinging to it like a second skin, but as he got closer she felt another, secret surge of moisture inside her."

She began to drool.

"Her nipples were tight buds of concentrated longing."

Just add water!

"She didn't want to, but she could no longer hold back the tidal wave of annihilating desire crashing through her."

A tsunami of passion poured through her pores.

"Inside her head there was nothing but darkness and space."

It was 2001 all over again.

"Desire still rampaged violently through him, and holding her lithe, pliant body against him was hardly helping."

Killing the squirrel was self-defense. Or at least that's what his story would be.

"Lust twisted painfully inside him, mixing with some other, less simple emotion."

Lust and a twist of lime.

"Her skin, in protest at being steamed alive then blasted with icy water, was now glowing like a nuclear disaster."

Chernobyl left her with a great tan.

"It wasn't as if she had any choice, anyway, since she could hardly wear any of the stuff she'd brought with her, all of which would make her look like a Sunday school teacher at an orgy."

So THAT's why she had all those condoms.

"She's very green, no match experience, but she feels like a natural and she's a joy to handle."

Just don't make her angry -- you wouldn't like her when she's angry.

"Tamsin had never seen so many beautiful, glamorous, groomed women in one place."

My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?

"Lust exploded inside him like a plume of champagne foam."

And she'd just popped his cork.

"Suddenly she was glad to be wearing the too-tight, cobbled-together bathrobe dress, and that his exquisite silken caress had been folded up and put back in its bag. She would rather have walked naked through a pit of rattlesnakes than give him the satisfaction of admitting he'd got it right." 

Bathrobe couture was all the rage among snake-handlers.

"When the moon peeped from behind the cloud, she glanced across at him and felt her insides constrict with excruciating need."

Where was the Pepto Bismol when you needed it?

"Hot shafts of sensation crackled and juddered up through her pelvis, until it felt like she was going to split wide open with the strength of her longing."

Usually it's another kind of shaft that splits you open.

"She heard him sigh, a lingering exhalation that touched her in deep, undreamed-of places."

To boldly go where no man has gone before.

"Spiked stars of pleasure exploded inside her like fireworks."

Her pleasure's a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic orgasmic furnace.

"Like me, thought Tamsin desperately as desire rampaged through her boneless, hungry body."

A chicken sandwich sounded good right about then.

"Alejandro felt dizzy with the effort of keeping his hands gentle as his head filled with the scent of her, the taste of her vanilla-ice-cream skin and chocolate kiss."

With whipped cream and a cherry on top.

"Her head seemed to have been plundered, so that every thought, every naked, shameless desire, echoed through the throbbing darkness between them."

He was her love-pirate. Avast ye hearty.

"She was still in her silken underwear, and Alejandro moved lower now, his hands still gripping her hips, holding her still and pulling the silk taut as his mouth closed over the place that hid the aching, pulsing core of her."

Is that the fourth hole?

"Alejandro let go, his desire exploding with the force of a rocket in the night sky, shaking him, shattering him, and leaving him empty."

The rocket's red glare, his nut bursting in air...

"Gone was the roaring in her ears, the sound of thunderbolts and orchestras and fireworks that had echoed through her dazzled head a few moments before; gone was the scarlet whirlpool of ecstasy that had sucked her down."

No comment.

"They stepped outside into a world of milky purity."

Too bad he was lactose intolerant.

"'You have exactly fifteen seconds before I combust with desire,' she said softly as he took her into his arms."

Should he cut the red or the blue wire?

"Just the anchovy thing, or would you like some kiwi fruit and mayonnaise with that?"

The anchovies are nice, keep the kiwi, I'll provide my own mayonnaise.

"The familiar low, ironic drawl sent tidal waves of emotion smashing through her."

One more "howdy" and she was going to explode.

"She could feel the colour flood into her cheeks, the heat surge through her pelvis, just at the sound of his voice."

Even though she *still* didn't understand what he was saying.

"Tamsin was a mass of quivering, wanton longing in his arms by the time he finally dragged his mouth from hers and leaned over to open the drawer of the bedside cabinet."

Oh! Wait! The condoms are in my back pocket!

At the Argentinian Billionaire's Bidding -- India Grey

When the Wicked Witch of the West gets a little too wet

"Desire flooded her being, sending sparks up and down her spine, buckling her legs, loosening every ligament, until she felt as if she was going to melt into a pool at his feet."

Bound by the Marcolini Diamonds -- Melanie Milburne

Her lava-like longing drenched her drawers

"She felt Falcon's arm supporting her, a sure, strong iron band against her lower back, holding her safe whilst he drew spirals of hot liquid longing on her taut belly with the fingers of his free hand, dipping lower to the barrier of her brief silky knickers, wet now with the excretions of her fierce desire, an unwanted restriction."

The Sicilian's Baby Bargain -- Penny Jordan

I thought we were just role-playing when you asked me to call you Daddy

"You and...and...my mother?"

Valentino's Love Child -- Lucy Monroe

And she would cum once a day every summer

"He laved the turgid peaks like an ice-cream cone and she shivered with delight."

The Greek's Christmas Baby -- Lucy Monroe

Viagra®, to the rescue!

"How hard could it be?  Not hard at all, as it turned out."

The Sheikh's Wayward Wife -- Sandra Marton

Yeah, but the refraction through the Jello was deceiving

"'I don't want to look at it.'
'Come now, Tara, you loved it last night.'"

The Magnate's Mistress -- Miranda Lee

It was a ShamWow house... Only for darkness

"The house absorbed the darkness with the thirst of a sponge."

The Heart of a Ruler -- Marie Ferrarella

Exactly where you'd expect: Right next to the sponges

"He found the guys in the usual place, the storage and catch-all room at the back of the general store."

Sheriff Takes A Bride -- Gayle Kaye