Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

"You're not a bird! Stop trying to feed me regurgitated onion rings!"

"Without the benefit of her sight, her other senses became more acute, zoning on the side of her hair against the coverlet as she moved her head back and forth, the pulsating beat of the moody music floating from the season, the taste of salty onions lingering on her lips, the musky scent of her intimate nest teasing her nostrils."

In A Bind -- Stephanie Bond 

Some guys will say anything to get into your pants.

"'Drake,' she said with a sob, 'we mustn't.'
His breathing was uneven as he rasped in her ear, 'Yes, we must. If we don't, I'm going to explode.'"

Eloquent Silence -- Sandra Brown

It started off bad enough, but when it got to "and her legs began waving around" we just plain lost it.

"When Marie was naked, Beverly told her to sit down and then she had me put my hands on Marie's pretty breasts and then my mouth and that got me excited and I really gave Marie's lovely breasts a real going over. Then Beverly made me kneel between Marie's legs and she opened the pale pink petals and I could see that Marie was all steamed up. She was moaning softly as Beverly's fingers did things to her sex and then Beverly told me to put my mouth over Marie's pretty little cunny and she would tell me just how to make Marie enjoy it.
No need to tell me anything. There was a faint fragrance between Marie's pretty thighs and that affected me and made me horny as hell so I really did a job on Marie. She began squirming and moving her hips up and down against my face and her hands were pushing my mouth tighter and tighter against her hot flesh and then she screamed softly and her legs began waving around and she started having a tremendous spasm and she was making an awful racket just trying to breathe. Beverly was using her hands on my genitals and she had me hard again and then she was putting it into her mouth again and using her tongue to drive me out of my mind. I didn't mind because I was having a grand time with Marie's sex and it made me feel extra hot to know that she was coming because of what I was doing to her sensitive flesh. I learned that I really liked to be doing that to a girl and I just kept right on with it until Marie finally pushed me away from her. She was having another orgasm and this one was bigger than all the rest of them. I fell over onto my back and Beverly just kept right on sucking me and in spite of the fact that it was hurting me it felt awfully good."

The Anal Erotics -- Anthony Crowell

This book is out of print and unavailable for purchase. But we have a copy. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!

Gristle? Just... gristle. Pulpy. Mucous. The 60s were strange.

"I pressed her back on the bed and knelt, crouching, between her legs.
I pressed a kiss to her soft tummy and investigated her deep navel with the tip of my tongue.
Her crisp pubic hair tickled my chin as I went lower.
I glanced up at her once and saw her looking down at me expectantly.
Now for the moment of truth!
I looked down and there were her splayed thighs, the wet pink center of her dark velvet loveliness open between them.
As I bent closer, the heated odor of her sex assailed my nostrils. It was strong but not at all unpleasant.
Then, very slowly, I pressed my lips to her vulva. It was a light kiss to begin with, then the very odor whipped up my passions, and in a moment my hands were under her, holding the soft cheeks of her bottom, my mouth pressed ardently to the warm, pulpy wetness of her.

There was one odd little twinge of something like revulsion as I sank my tongue into her, probably more from the strangeness of kissing another woman in such an intimate place for the first time.
Then it was gone and I was trying to get my tongue up her vagina as far as it would go.
I explored the wet slit with the tip of my tongue and found her clitoris.
It was large and stiff, like a tiny penis.
I felt her shudder as I licked it; I drew the wet piece of gristle between my lips and heard her moan, her thighs prisoning my head between them.
I licked the length of her slit, savoring the taste of the mucous distilled from her body; my nose and all around my mouth were slippery with it.

Then I recognized the urgent little jerks, her bottom moving up and down, rubbing her excited cunt into my mouth.
She was ready to spend. I sucked deeply on her clitoris, as she had done to me, then dug my fingers into her buttocks and glued my mouth eagerly to her vagina to receive the erotic juices I had released.
She twitched and jerked about, fingers twined in my hair, as I sucked, drawing the slippery fluid from her body as it oozed down her vagina.
The salty tang of her spend was strange but pleasant and I lapped at her sex until she had no more to give."

 Costume Manor Orgy -- Alison

Which is better than a bladder emptying twitch, but still kinda gross.

"Matt angled his hips again, earning a half-moan, half-sigh from Eden and another ball-emptying jerk of his cock."

I Dream of Genies -- Judi Fennell

The author unpacked her adjectives. And adverbs. And similes. There was a lot of grammatical luggage.

"He cried out softly, in wonder and adoration at this innocent child who begged for a woman's fulfillment. He lowered her delicately to the cushions, and his eyes were like the eyes of the cheetah during the fateful hunt. He poised above her, all bunched muscle and knotted sinew. She caressed his muscled chest and began to breathe deeply, in a passionate rhythm. He forced her legs to part and his hard stomach brushed her own tender abdomen. Her fingers tightened on his biceps and his now questing shaft slid deliciously inside. Even as he entered her, he hesitated at the mysterious curtain of her womanhood.
She wanted to urge him on, but her voice caught in her throat. The surging violence of their passion hesitated, as storm clouds part to flood the drenched land with moonlight just before the howling gales come again. At this moment, De Rais was no ruffian knight. He was a master of the brush, entering her with a balance of hesitation and force.
Shan T'u breathed in sharply, biting her lip. her throat stung with the bite of Kung's knife. De Rais plunged, deep into her core, shredding the fragile curtain as he had crumpled her silken gown. At this instant, pain and rapture merged, as rocks and water merge in a garden. He was past her torn veil, and he struck now as a warrior strikes. Her legs wrapped around his tremendous thighs and her hips undulated. Again and again the silken rod thrust to her core, filling her. She was consumed in flame and the helpless sensations rocked her in wave upon wave, pouring from her body, drenching her flesh. Then she felt De Rais stiffen as if mortally shot, and white fire rifled through her loins. He moaned like a wounded soldier and shuddered under her clenching hands.
For a long time afterward, she lay nestled in his arms, and her skin sweetly damp against his. Her spine was pillowed in his chest and he kissed the nape of her neck and her shoulder. She touched her lips reverently to his knuckles and fingers and enfolded his hand in both of hers, as she had cuddled her doll when she was a child."

Jade Moon -- Erica Mitchell

How the hell tall was this volcano??? Luckily they regained consciousness at around 15,000 feet. SCIENCE!

"Their bodies shook and grew wet with sweat, and still they climbed the volcano's peak.
Both were lost now in a cataclysmic explosion that ripped their senses and left them drifting in a star-studded blackness, clinging to each other as the only solid form in the void."

Passion's Raging Storm -- Sylvie F. Sommerfield

It was practically bouncing in anticipation, but it would have to be patient. His tongue was on an adventure!

"He used a single finger to part her tight curls, drawing a lazy path through the pink, pulsing folds of her sex. Inhaling the intoxicating scent of her need, he felt his cock twitch and tighten. Oh, yeah, it was going to be inside there real soon -- but not before he'd blazed the path first with his tongue.
He took an exploratory taste."

Hooked -- Julie Leto (Blazing Bedtime Stories Vol. VIII)

It was a short, pointless, smelly game of hide-in-plain-sight-and-go-seek.

"He found pleasure, hot and molten at her breasts, sweet and pungent along her rib cage, her narrow waist."

Christmas Male -- Cara Summers

"Energy and persistence conquer all things" -Benjamin Franklin

"Soon, although she would have sworn it wasn't possible after the pinnacles he'd taken her to before, Caroline was slamming herself against Guthrie, puffing like a steam engine as she strained toward release."

Caroline and the Raider -- Linda Lael Miller