Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Should've brought a machete.

"His fingers trailed down her abdomen, leaving tingles and shocks in their wake. He tunneled through her pubic curls."

Fair Game -- Jasmine Haynes

Sometimes we are rendered speechless. Like now. This is not how you handle a wolf encounter.

"An agile tongue laved her slick folds, gliding over tender membranes with lavish strokes. It swirled around her clit in teasing circles, flicked over the turgid flesh and rolled it with breathtaking subtlety.
Groaning, Deanna raised her hips in encouragement, craving more of that sweet seduction. 'Oh, Graeme...' For it couldn't be anyone else but him; she recognized the sudden fillip he gave her clit, arousing in its unexpectedness. He'd used it to good effect earlier that day.
He licked her swollen flesh over and over, fanning the flames of her desire to greater heights, drawing more cream from her sex.
Lightning arced through her core, sparked by his swirling tongue. She sobbed for breath, shocked anew by the strength of her response to him. It had her arching off the pallet as her heels dug into the hard ground. The tension in her core coiled tighter, threatening to explode.
Not yet. Not just yet. She wanted to make it last. Her legs spasmed, tensing as she fought back her orgasm. She wanted to savor the buildup while she could.
Hard, rough pads pushing insistently on her inner thighs, pressing them apart. Sharp points prodded the thin skin, biting deeply enough to penetrate the dense fog of carnal delight blanketing Deanna's senses.
Something wasn't right. Struggling against the sweetness lapping at her nerves, Deanna opened her eyes.
A gray wolf watched her with Graeme's piercing arctic blue stare, trapping her gaze as he licked her dripping sex, the curves of his fangs hard against her swollen flesh.
She gasped, nerve-jangling shock holding her motionless. Flat on her back and totally naked, her legs splayed open before the wolf, she was painfully aware of her vulnerability to its long, jagged teeth.
The impasse stretched on, neither of them moving.
Then hot cream spurted between her thighs, unbidden and irrepressible, as involuntary as the shudder that streaked up her spine. Good God, surely she couldn't be aroused!
A low growl rumbled in that deep chest. The wolf pressed forward. Its tongue darted into her, flitting against sensitized membranes, lashing her sheath with delicate swipes. The intimate contact sent a shiver of pleasure washing over her, carnal need coiling tight in her belly. Oh, God! Each swipe reverberated through her, a fresh thrill that left goose bumps on her arms and made her nipples tingle with fierce delight.
How could she be responding to its actions? Surely it was merely the stimulation? She couldn't be so far gone as to find the danger exciting.
And yet she was aroused.
She couldn't deny the raw pleasure sweeping through her body like a wildfire blazing out of control. Couldn't ignore the rough tongue dancing over her tender folds. Couldn't escape the thrum of treacherous delight growing in her fluttering core.
How can this be happening?
Knowing better than to startle a wild animal, Deanna could only surrender herself to the inevitable, caught between exquisite sensation and self-preservation. No wolves in these mountains? What a bizarre way to discover otherwise! But if she survived the experience, she wasn't sure she'd correct the locals' misconception. Who would believe her? Even with the toe-curling delight from the wolf's lavish attention on her pussy, she had difficulty believing it herself.
A sharp spike of pure rapture forced a harsh gasp from her, but the wolf ignored the sound, intent on licking her. Still, she pressed her fist to her lips to silence the desperate moans that threatened to spill forth. Pleasure wracked her body as fire burned in her core and sizzled, building on her earlier desire. A carnal fever ate away her restraint, edging her closer to abandon.
What would happen if she lost it?
Another hot wave of dark delight splashed through her, making Deanna's legs twitch despite herself.
The wolf gave a low growl, pressing down on her thighs and holding her wide open to its ravishment. Its tongue lashed out, licking her juices from its narrow muzzle. It stared up her body, gazing at her with a sentient light in its pale blue eyes as it lowered its head back to her pussy and resumed lapping cream from her throbbing flesh.
A thundering outpour of molten lava scorched her senses."

Call of the Wild -- Kathleen Dante (Sexy Beast II)

BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!

"Blake was engulfed by the intensity of the passion pounding through his veins. The orgasm grabbed ahold, ambushing him with its power. As he poured himself into Alexia’s warmth, his body shuddered, his arms shaking as his muscles tensed to the point of shattering.
His orgasm triggered hers. Still spinning out of control, he watched through narrow, passion-blurred eyes as she went over. Her body tensed, arching her back. Her breasts, lush and gorgeous, bobbed in time with her frenzied gyrations. She tilted her head back, her moans filling the tent. Filling him with power, his ego swelling so he felt like a he-man. All-powerful, totally awesome."

A SEAL's Seduction -- Tawny Weber

Losing weight the Mueller Exerciser way!

"It jiggled her heart, lifting it, making it pump faster."

Craving Jamie -- Emma Darcy

The seminal load has reached the waginal wessel!

"Her whole being was overtaken by a series of shuddering ripples which made her shake and tremble. She gave herself to them, tossing her head from side to side, flinging her arms out, crying aloud, and her moans were soon joined by a sighing groan from Rory as he reached his climax and jettisoned his pearls into the seabed of her womb."

Sweet Temptation -- Caroline Standish

Jello Boobs loved Two Cocks, and they expressed it on inflatable swim rafts. Maybe? Fuck if we can tell.

"His mouth traveled down from her gently jiggling breasts to her belly, and down the tangled mound of her womanhood where she was parted by his loving. Her body arched to his lips with the pleasure.
'I want you to know, Eileen,' he said hoarsely, 'that I want you now.'
His hands cupped her naked breasts and squeezed.
He was quick and subtle and strong and sure. She never knew at what point he became as naked as she, but then she felt his huge manhood stark and pulsating pound and prod her loins, seeking their natural goal.
And her thighs parted for him and she let him come to her, because all she could think about was that melting feeling in her, that hot craving that had to be satisfied.
They were together then on the float. The float rocked gently. Vaguely she could hear the water slapping against its sides. And then she felt the sudden deep stab of his huge, turgid object and a small piercing cry escaped her, as the pulsating hardness forced deep in her.
And then they were moving in cadence, harder and faster, as their passions built with the intimate connection.
She lunged with him, dizzy and with it, the surging rhythm of his love-making, and harder and faster his invasion flamed and burned her core, till he built up, stiffened and flared his completion, the jetting spurts gushed and flamed her core, again and again, and again."

Art Colony Perverts -- Cal De Feo

It started off bad enough, but when it got to "and her legs began waving around" we just plain lost it.

"When Marie was naked, Beverly told her to sit down and then she had me put my hands on Marie's pretty breasts and then my mouth and that got me excited and I really gave Marie's lovely breasts a real going over. Then Beverly made me kneel between Marie's legs and she opened the pale pink petals and I could see that Marie was all steamed up. She was moaning softly as Beverly's fingers did things to her sex and then Beverly told me to put my mouth over Marie's pretty little cunny and she would tell me just how to make Marie enjoy it.
No need to tell me anything. There was a faint fragrance between Marie's pretty thighs and that affected me and made me horny as hell so I really did a job on Marie. She began squirming and moving her hips up and down against my face and her hands were pushing my mouth tighter and tighter against her hot flesh and then she screamed softly and her legs began waving around and she started having a tremendous spasm and she was making an awful racket just trying to breathe. Beverly was using her hands on my genitals and she had me hard again and then she was putting it into her mouth again and using her tongue to drive me out of my mind. I didn't mind because I was having a grand time with Marie's sex and it made me feel extra hot to know that she was coming because of what I was doing to her sensitive flesh. I learned that I really liked to be doing that to a girl and I just kept right on with it until Marie finally pushed me away from her. She was having another orgasm and this one was bigger than all the rest of them. I fell over onto my back and Beverly just kept right on sucking me and in spite of the fact that it was hurting me it felt awfully good."

The Anal Erotics -- Anthony Crowell

This book is out of print and unavailable for purchase. But we have a copy. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!

Gristle? Just... gristle. Pulpy. Mucous. The 60s were strange.

"I pressed her back on the bed and knelt, crouching, between her legs.
I pressed a kiss to her soft tummy and investigated her deep navel with the tip of my tongue.
Her crisp pubic hair tickled my chin as I went lower.
I glanced up at her once and saw her looking down at me expectantly.
Now for the moment of truth!
I looked down and there were her splayed thighs, the wet pink center of her dark velvet loveliness open between them.
As I bent closer, the heated odor of her sex assailed my nostrils. It was strong but not at all unpleasant.
Then, very slowly, I pressed my lips to her vulva. It was a light kiss to begin with, then the very odor whipped up my passions, and in a moment my hands were under her, holding the soft cheeks of her bottom, my mouth pressed ardently to the warm, pulpy wetness of her.

There was one odd little twinge of something like revulsion as I sank my tongue into her, probably more from the strangeness of kissing another woman in such an intimate place for the first time.
Then it was gone and I was trying to get my tongue up her vagina as far as it would go.
I explored the wet slit with the tip of my tongue and found her clitoris.
It was large and stiff, like a tiny penis.
I felt her shudder as I licked it; I drew the wet piece of gristle between my lips and heard her moan, her thighs prisoning my head between them.
I licked the length of her slit, savoring the taste of the mucous distilled from her body; my nose and all around my mouth were slippery with it.

Then I recognized the urgent little jerks, her bottom moving up and down, rubbing her excited cunt into my mouth.
She was ready to spend. I sucked deeply on her clitoris, as she had done to me, then dug my fingers into her buttocks and glued my mouth eagerly to her vagina to receive the erotic juices I had released.
She twitched and jerked about, fingers twined in my hair, as I sucked, drawing the slippery fluid from her body as it oozed down her vagina.
The salty tang of her spend was strange but pleasant and I lapped at her sex until she had no more to give."

 Costume Manor Orgy -- Alison

The dangers of "associating" with assassins. By the time you hear them coming, it's too late.

"One of his hands left her bottom and reached up to toy with her breast. The sensations intensified. She squirmed and his low laughter added to the sensations, carrying her even higher.
She'd never felt anything like this, had not known it was possible. Surely, she would expire before he was done. Perhaps that was his intent. To kill her with his attentions. She'd certainly sleep well then -- for all eternity."

Pleasures of a Notorious Gentleman -- Lorraine Heath

Her nether regions trebuchet tossed him into a cataclysm of volcanic need

"Luc let himself sink down into a moist, pulsing darkness and felt her muscles tighten around him at once, the pressure light at first, then stronger, astonishingly powerful as her tension increased. Luc felt the blood rush to his head; heat burst out across his skin; a smoky haze clouded his vision. He felt a rampaging need to plunder and possess and his mouth on Keira's was wild, devouring, his hand at her breasts no longer tender. Lifting her by the buttocks he drove down in a frenzy of passion and felt a shuddering spasm pass through her body, stronger, more violent with each thrust he made. Her nails were digging at his shoulders now, her kisses as voracious as his, her desire as out of control. Keira cried out suddenly and her eyes flew wide, locking with his, searing ecstasy breaking over them in tingling waves of fire."

Lover's Moon -- Catherine Linden