"Her luminous eyes traveled down the length of his body, which was concealed under the heavy covers, thank God, for he felt himself becoming aroused just by the movement of her eyes."
When they cross it's like a tiny arrow pointing straight at his muscle of love.
"The wet sounds he made with his mouth inflammed her senses, and her hips began jerking urgently as she clutched his broad shoulders to pull him closer."
Nothin' says lovin' like a zerbert to the coochie.
"He rose to his full height, then narrowed his lust-filled eyes and toyed with a lock of her hair, while her insides burned with a mixture of desire and trepidation."
Unfortunately he was only 2 feet tall. But her kneecaps were really feeling the love.
"Chelsea cupped his head in her hands and kissed him deeply, overwhelmed by her desire to devour him."
Cannibalism! It can strike at any time!
"'I thought you said you were depraved,' she reminded him."
It says so right there on your receipt.
"He gave her a moment to become accustomed to his size, then began moving with firm, long strokes, plunging slowly at first, then faster, until an incomprehensible pressure flooded through her body and demanded release."
Unfortunately the interpreter was late.
"Soon an astonishing frenzy of lust racked her body, and a tremendous orgasm shuddered through her, causing her to convulse and cry out."
She could devour a whole cow in under a minute.
"Then he groaned with both pleasure and pain, and drove hard with such force that he shoved her into the center of the bed and gave her what she had come for."
A nice, hot... cream of celery soup.
"Then at last she collapsed into a mind-numbing haze of total, incomprehensible bliss."
Damn, when would that interpreter get there??
"She couldn't help but look down at his legs and hips and the very arresting cluster of manhood growing larger and firmer by the minute."
Wait... What? Exactly how many are there?... That's the problem with a Hydra; cut off one head and two more grow.
"This morning it all seemed like a dream, like she had been floating in some strange turquoise paradise of pleasure."
Better than the chartreuse limbo of lethargy.
"How in the world was she supposed to concentrate with such a handsome man sitting beside her -- a man with whom she had been naked the night before?
The very man who had claimed her virginity and would possess it forever."
His house was stacked floor to ceiling with hymens! He'll be featured on a future episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive."
"While she took measures to have his dinner sent to his room, she imagined him getting out of bed to sit at the table and eat by the window. She pictured his hands holding the knife and fork, slicing the meat. She thought about his lips on the glass of red wine, his disheveled hair falling into his eyes, his cravat loosened and his collar open as he leaned forward over the plate.
It was enough to cause her desires to flood through her body so thoroughly, it made her belly swirl with an almost obsessive anticipation."
OMG he couldn't take her anywhere. They'd already been banned from a Sizzlers in Des Moines, Iowa.
"Her brain went all fuzzy and lazy, and her body melted into something that resembled a thick blob of chocolate pudding."
It resembled chocolate pudding. It wasn't chocolate pudding. You really don't want to know what it was. Suffice to say it didn't smell very good and was a bitch to clean up.
"He stood very still, immobilized by her reply, and by the tension in his loins, as their mutual desires vibrated in the air between them."
His testicle based tuning fork was going wild.
"Before long he felt the rapid throbbing of her womanhood, and she arched her back beneath him, digging her nails into his hips. She took in a sharp breath, and he plunged his face down onto her soft breast and sucked on a hard nipple while she convulsed and quivered around him."
Going, going, going... flop. At least he didn't droo... oh.
"A moment later his own body began to quicken, and he poured into her freely, without concern for his vow earlier that day, when he had promised to withdraw at the proper time. But there was nothing proper about this. He could not withdraw because he wanted her with blinding fury, and his climax was so powerful, it had overcome his passions and completely baked his brain."
He spent the next 6 hours watching Cheech & Chong movies and bemoaning a lost talent show. That was the last time she stuffed her vag with her stash.
"Chelsea continued to toy with his impressive masculine anatomy, which was increasing in size and stiffness with every devoted caress she offered."
It was a very manly uvula. Had a mustache and everything.
"'What's going on?' he asked, glaring at her, then glancing down at his erection."
True story: a few years ago, The Boy screamed for The Wife, who came running into the room to find him with a baby boner. He was terrified that he'd broken it because he couldn't get it to go down. It's kind of like that.
"Truth be told, it wouldn't matter to her if it was a girl or a boy, or a donkey for that matter."
You just have to pay in full, up front.
"They had made love standing up against the door of his bedchamber, thumping away like rabbits."
31 days later she kindled a litter in the dining room hutch.
"She had been lying to him and using him from the beginning. He had been their prisoner here, and that lying, false-hearted viper had been using him for one thing and one thing only.
She had wanted him for seed."
Never come between a man and his apples.
"It was as if the space between them was exploding with the heat of his bitterness."
They could only defeat it with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.
"Scooping her up into his arms, he carried her into the bushes and laid her down on the soft green grass to kiss her lovely eyelids, cheeks, and lips, and to listen to the birds and the ducks and the bees buzzing in the air -- all the sweet sounds of nature, pure and true, surrounding him as he kissed her."
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a beaver. But what is that noise?
When a Stranger Loves Me -- Julianne MacLean
Uncle Walter would like to thank you for joining him on this journey through the purple prose of the romantic genre. We look forward to many more years of throbbing members and hedgehogs in uncomfortable places.
