Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Just a little more... a little more... almost... there!

"He shifted his weight impatiently, almost feeling her gaze stroking his butt."

Taste Me -- Tamara Hogan

Presented without comment because we don't know WTF to say.

"Quickly he stripped, revealing solid muscle and taut sinew, density balanced with the grace of harmonious angles, the tender textures of lean hips and lightly scattered chest hair. The firelight licked the tender rim of his navel, the knotted core sunk deep. Below it the hair grew in wild patterns, like darker flames spreading upward from his manhood. He climbed into the tub, and she watched his face relax as he leaned back. His nostrils flared as he inhaled deeply of its scent, and the water glowed transparent gold over his skin. He closed his eyes as if he wished he could dissolve and be carried off in the rising steam.
'You possess subtle and insidious weapons,' he murmured. 'I am vanquished with oil and water.'
Not if she had aught to do with it. Viv murmured, 'Are you? Touch oil with fire and it will burn in water.'
She climbed into the great tub, feeling the hot fragrant bath rise, making her legs feel silky, then her torso. Its lapping heat eased the wound. She sighed and quickly sank in up to her neck, the water almost sloshing over the rim. Laughing she sat up before it could spill and grabbed a cloth. The firelight poured over him as she cleansed his body. She washed away the dust and sweat, thick lather oozing through her fingers, making them slippery on his skin. As she leaned over him he laved water over her breasts, then caught one nipple in his lips and sucked with a fierceness that made her gasp. She loved the supple sweep of his tongue against its hard point, and the way his lips pressed the soft swell of her breast. At last, languor and impatience mingling, she handed him the perfumed soap. He turned it over and over, working up a creamy foam to caress her buttocks and flanks. Viv dipped her hands deeper into the water to toy with his manhood, the thick rod that swelled to her caresses, and that soft vulnerability sheltering beneath. He moaned, his legs parting, increasing his exposure to whatever she chose to do.
Though she herself was inflicting the sweet torture, it was more than she could endure. She stood, water cascading. Laughing at her volatile change, he clambered from the tub. She tossed him a towel and backed away. He followed, wiping away the worst of the wetness, then flinging the towel aside. His arousal stood stiff and demanding, and her mouth watered as she imagined it between her lips, imagined coaxing its liquid spice. Feeling contrary, she darted around the tub, away from him.
'Stand still,' he commanded her.
She arched her eyebrows at him, but decided to please him, and did as he told her. Rafe tore thin linen into strips, binding it over the sword cut and around her ribs. Impatient with such concerns, she was hard put to not to squirm.
'It makes you look like an Amazon from the ancient myths,' he murmured, tucking in the ends of the linen.
'Are you satisfied now?' she asked.
He pressed closer, the thrust of his sex grazing her belly. 'Not quite.'
With a low laugh, Viv curled her fingers about it, and then backed away, leading him by the hard handle of flesh. Flushed and laughing, too, he followed through the door and into the bedchamber. She did not release him until they stood by the bed. She pushed aside the hangings, flung back the embroidered covers and lay down. Her black hair spread in serpentine coils on the pillow, its fragrant dampness a sensual pleasure to her, and one she saw he appreciated. His body glowed pale against the scarlet silk of the hangings. Shadows outlined his musculature, and the light of the tapers licked the upcurved shaft that jutted from the tangle of dark hair.
He moved toward her, but Viv held him back with a gesture, smiling provocatively. 'Look at me,' she whispered.
Sliding back among the pillows, she opened her legs, giving him full view of the tender, parted lips and the still more tender flesh within. She opened herself like the petals of a rose, showing him the swollen bud that throbbed like fire made flesh.
'Don't you want to taste me?' she whispered.
'Yes.' His voice was hoarse. The tip of his tongue flashed over his lips, leaving them glistening.
A web of need vibrated between them. Viv sucked in her breath, trembling as he knelt between her legs, the bud at her center pulsating fiercely. He moaned and his cock jolted fiercely, rearing back to tap his belly. She inhaled his scent -- clean soap, amber oil from the bath, warm skin, all mingled with the dark musk of his sex. He bent and licked her fingers where she held herself open to him. Then, leaning closer still, Rafe touched the bud with his tongue. He pressed gently, but her flesh throbbed against the touch like a beating heart. He flicked her with his tongue tip, stroke after stroke igniting sparks that leaped along her nerves. He moaned as if her pleasure and need shot through his own body. Pressing his tongue flat, he licked in slow, widening strokes. He reached beneath her, and she lifted for him, letting him gather the round of her buttocks in a firm grip that shaped itself to them. Pressing his face against her, he sucked at the hot liquor of her sex, pulling her closer still to him, devouring her with lips and tongue and teeth.
She squirmed, turning beneath him, tugging at his hips. His moan as he realized she wanted to do the same to him sent a hot tremor through her. He moved as her hands bade him, kneeling over her, all his strength commanded by her touch. She wrapped her fingers around his rigid shaft with greedy adulation and took the head between her lips, sucking with thirsty delight at the springy tenderness crowning it. The pulse of his desire raged so fast and hard she felt it against her tongue, felt it in the shivering, sobbing breath he drew as her tongue rubbed wet and hot against the living power of his flesh.
She stroked the curves of his buttocks, grasping and kneading the lush muscle, then slid her fingertips inward, savoring the heat within the deep cleft. He moaned a protest that was a plea, muscles contracting as she stroked one finger between his cheeks. She teased the tender hidden opening as his tongue caressed the portal of her body. She pressed into him, his tongue invading her, sending shocks through her one after another. His sex throbbed wildly, and he tried to tug away, but she pulled him closer, pressing her finger further into the secret tightness of him, feeling the silken vulnerability of that inner skin. He gave a cry, pulsing hotly into her mouth as his tongue thrust deep into her. Explosions burst in her body, her brain, racing through her in shock waves of blinding light. She drank greedily, filling herself with his bittersweet seed. Rafe groaned against her, each dazzling pulsation, each rush of brightness, a new oblivion as they drowned together in a sea of opalescent white flame."

Heart of Deception -- Taylor Chase

She learned the hard way why he'd named her skeleton key-shaped genital piercing "Ben"

"Long, sure fingers moved in slow, lazy circles from her breasts, down her stomach, down her abdomen, down the curling dark patch of hair, and touched her. Emma bucked, grabbing onto his shoulders at the white hot pulse of lightning which shot through her."

A Matter of Scandal -- Suzanne Enoch

Jello Boobs loved Two Cocks, and they expressed it on inflatable swim rafts. Maybe? Fuck if we can tell.

"His mouth traveled down from her gently jiggling breasts to her belly, and down the tangled mound of her womanhood where she was parted by his loving. Her body arched to his lips with the pleasure.
'I want you to know, Eileen,' he said hoarsely, 'that I want you now.'
His hands cupped her naked breasts and squeezed.
He was quick and subtle and strong and sure. She never knew at what point he became as naked as she, but then she felt his huge manhood stark and pulsating pound and prod her loins, seeking their natural goal.
And her thighs parted for him and she let him come to her, because all she could think about was that melting feeling in her, that hot craving that had to be satisfied.
They were together then on the float. The float rocked gently. Vaguely she could hear the water slapping against its sides. And then she felt the sudden deep stab of his huge, turgid object and a small piercing cry escaped her, as the pulsating hardness forced deep in her.
And then they were moving in cadence, harder and faster, as their passions built with the intimate connection.
She lunged with him, dizzy and with it, the surging rhythm of his love-making, and harder and faster his invasion flamed and burned her core, till he built up, stiffened and flared his completion, the jetting spurts gushed and flamed her core, again and again, and again."

Art Colony Perverts -- Cal De Feo

Gristle? Just... gristle. Pulpy. Mucous. The 60s were strange.

"I pressed her back on the bed and knelt, crouching, between her legs.
I pressed a kiss to her soft tummy and investigated her deep navel with the tip of my tongue.
Her crisp pubic hair tickled my chin as I went lower.
I glanced up at her once and saw her looking down at me expectantly.
Now for the moment of truth!
I looked down and there were her splayed thighs, the wet pink center of her dark velvet loveliness open between them.
As I bent closer, the heated odor of her sex assailed my nostrils. It was strong but not at all unpleasant.
Then, very slowly, I pressed my lips to her vulva. It was a light kiss to begin with, then the very odor whipped up my passions, and in a moment my hands were under her, holding the soft cheeks of her bottom, my mouth pressed ardently to the warm, pulpy wetness of her.

There was one odd little twinge of something like revulsion as I sank my tongue into her, probably more from the strangeness of kissing another woman in such an intimate place for the first time.
Then it was gone and I was trying to get my tongue up her vagina as far as it would go.
I explored the wet slit with the tip of my tongue and found her clitoris.
It was large and stiff, like a tiny penis.
I felt her shudder as I licked it; I drew the wet piece of gristle between my lips and heard her moan, her thighs prisoning my head between them.
I licked the length of her slit, savoring the taste of the mucous distilled from her body; my nose and all around my mouth were slippery with it.

Then I recognized the urgent little jerks, her bottom moving up and down, rubbing her excited cunt into my mouth.
She was ready to spend. I sucked deeply on her clitoris, as she had done to me, then dug my fingers into her buttocks and glued my mouth eagerly to her vagina to receive the erotic juices I had released.
She twitched and jerked about, fingers twined in my hair, as I sucked, drawing the slippery fluid from her body as it oozed down her vagina.
The salty tang of her spend was strange but pleasant and I lapped at her sex until she had no more to give."

 Costume Manor Orgy -- Alison

Okay, Thumper in the room while we do this? Super awkward.

"She raised her hips, rotated them, swallowed his groan with a kiss, and milked his sex so he rushed toward his climax, her wallowing in the power of his final orgasmic thrust.
Whomp! The muffled sound filled the room, bouncing around them with a slow, lowering echo: Whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp... whomp."

Bedeviled Angel -- Annette Blair

In hindsight, the Tetrabromobisphenol A styling gel was a better choice than waxing

"Her bared breasts were touching Burt's naked chest. Her nipples had turned into twin points of fire, stinging with hot burning pain. The only hope of extinguishing the feirce flame was to press closer to that hard-muscled male flesh. The only soothing balm for such sweet agony was to bury the aching points of pure sensation more deeply in the dense growth of crisp black hair covering his broad torso."

Because You're Mine -- Nan Ryan

Jeez! WTF is wrong with this poor woman? Raccoon eyes and flaming... fur?

"She'd opened the curtains, and sunlight blazed into the room, setting each strand of her hair crackling with fire and bleaching away the shadows under her eyes."

And

"The firelight turned her pubic hair to flame."

Taste Me -- Tamara Hogan

P.S. Yes, we used this book yesterday. But can you blame us??

This isn't the Simile Olympics. There's no prize for shoving this much random crap into a chapter.

"His lips cruised over hers, a wisp of sensation. A soft flick of his tongue over the center of her lower lip teased her unbearably. The softness of his lips contradicted the coiled strength of his body, barely leashed. Too soft. Not enough. Grabbing at his hair, she tugged his head toward hers. She wasn't going to let him treat her like a fairy tale princess cocooned in glass.
She almost heard his control snap. Holding her head in place, he crushed his lips down on hers, and plundered. His dark taste swam through her like a heady wine. When his teeth joined his tongue in a game of nip and smooth, she wove her fingers into his tabby cat hair -- and bit back.
Cupping her butt in his hands, he lifted her off her feet, rubbing her dewy core against his groin with frank hunger. She wound around him, clinging like a monkey on a tree. He used the freedom to caress and fondle, tracing a torturously slow route down the back seam of her jeans, between her cheeks and beyond. When he finally palmed her humid center, it was all she could do to hold on.
A moan slipped out of her throat as she rocked against his hand, driving for the resolution that was just beyond her reach. She buried her face in the crook of his neck as the tension built. Where was her pride, her embarrassment? She was riding him like a prize stallion, but he wasn't complaining. And she couldn't stop, not now. Not when she was so close.
Then his clever fingers shifted and pressed -- just enough for her to shatter and break apart in his arms.
After a while, he kissed her on her forehead, walked over to the couch, and gently set her down. Her now seated position gave her a front row view of his massive hard-on. She half reached for him, with thoughts of finally getting her mouth on him again filling her brain.
Suddenly his mini-comp vibrated and pulsed at his waistband. Lukas growled and gave her a ferocious kiss." 

Taste Me -- Tamara Hogan

It was practically bouncing in anticipation, but it would have to be patient. His tongue was on an adventure!

"He used a single finger to part her tight curls, drawing a lazy path through the pink, pulsing folds of her sex. Inhaling the intoxicating scent of her need, he felt his cock twitch and tighten. Oh, yeah, it was going to be inside there real soon -- but not before he'd blazed the path first with his tongue.
He took an exploratory taste."

Hooked -- Julie Leto (Blazing Bedtime Stories Vol. VIII)