Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

She had a teeny-tiny saddle made from macaroni and she'd finally found a teeny-tiny (baloney) pony

"His torso tanned all over. Long, powerful legs, and a cock that looked made to ride."

French Kissing -- Nancy Warren

Her rebellious phase didn't leave her many options; she became a vegan.

"Her mother, less inhibited, speared the steaming flesh in chunks, lifting her laden fork fearlessly over the swelling landscape of her breasts to her waiting mouth."

The Ripening Time -- Catherine MacLeod & Alistair Mair

Presented without comment because we don't know WTF to say.

"Quickly he stripped, revealing solid muscle and taut sinew, density balanced with the grace of harmonious angles, the tender textures of lean hips and lightly scattered chest hair. The firelight licked the tender rim of his navel, the knotted core sunk deep. Below it the hair grew in wild patterns, like darker flames spreading upward from his manhood. He climbed into the tub, and she watched his face relax as he leaned back. His nostrils flared as he inhaled deeply of its scent, and the water glowed transparent gold over his skin. He closed his eyes as if he wished he could dissolve and be carried off in the rising steam.
'You possess subtle and insidious weapons,' he murmured. 'I am vanquished with oil and water.'
Not if she had aught to do with it. Viv murmured, 'Are you? Touch oil with fire and it will burn in water.'
She climbed into the great tub, feeling the hot fragrant bath rise, making her legs feel silky, then her torso. Its lapping heat eased the wound. She sighed and quickly sank in up to her neck, the water almost sloshing over the rim. Laughing she sat up before it could spill and grabbed a cloth. The firelight poured over him as she cleansed his body. She washed away the dust and sweat, thick lather oozing through her fingers, making them slippery on his skin. As she leaned over him he laved water over her breasts, then caught one nipple in his lips and sucked with a fierceness that made her gasp. She loved the supple sweep of his tongue against its hard point, and the way his lips pressed the soft swell of her breast. At last, languor and impatience mingling, she handed him the perfumed soap. He turned it over and over, working up a creamy foam to caress her buttocks and flanks. Viv dipped her hands deeper into the water to toy with his manhood, the thick rod that swelled to her caresses, and that soft vulnerability sheltering beneath. He moaned, his legs parting, increasing his exposure to whatever she chose to do.
Though she herself was inflicting the sweet torture, it was more than she could endure. She stood, water cascading. Laughing at her volatile change, he clambered from the tub. She tossed him a towel and backed away. He followed, wiping away the worst of the wetness, then flinging the towel aside. His arousal stood stiff and demanding, and her mouth watered as she imagined it between her lips, imagined coaxing its liquid spice. Feeling contrary, she darted around the tub, away from him.
'Stand still,' he commanded her.
She arched her eyebrows at him, but decided to please him, and did as he told her. Rafe tore thin linen into strips, binding it over the sword cut and around her ribs. Impatient with such concerns, she was hard put to not to squirm.
'It makes you look like an Amazon from the ancient myths,' he murmured, tucking in the ends of the linen.
'Are you satisfied now?' she asked.
He pressed closer, the thrust of his sex grazing her belly. 'Not quite.'
With a low laugh, Viv curled her fingers about it, and then backed away, leading him by the hard handle of flesh. Flushed and laughing, too, he followed through the door and into the bedchamber. She did not release him until they stood by the bed. She pushed aside the hangings, flung back the embroidered covers and lay down. Her black hair spread in serpentine coils on the pillow, its fragrant dampness a sensual pleasure to her, and one she saw he appreciated. His body glowed pale against the scarlet silk of the hangings. Shadows outlined his musculature, and the light of the tapers licked the upcurved shaft that jutted from the tangle of dark hair.
He moved toward her, but Viv held him back with a gesture, smiling provocatively. 'Look at me,' she whispered.
Sliding back among the pillows, she opened her legs, giving him full view of the tender, parted lips and the still more tender flesh within. She opened herself like the petals of a rose, showing him the swollen bud that throbbed like fire made flesh.
'Don't you want to taste me?' she whispered.
'Yes.' His voice was hoarse. The tip of his tongue flashed over his lips, leaving them glistening.
A web of need vibrated between them. Viv sucked in her breath, trembling as he knelt between her legs, the bud at her center pulsating fiercely. He moaned and his cock jolted fiercely, rearing back to tap his belly. She inhaled his scent -- clean soap, amber oil from the bath, warm skin, all mingled with the dark musk of his sex. He bent and licked her fingers where she held herself open to him. Then, leaning closer still, Rafe touched the bud with his tongue. He pressed gently, but her flesh throbbed against the touch like a beating heart. He flicked her with his tongue tip, stroke after stroke igniting sparks that leaped along her nerves. He moaned as if her pleasure and need shot through his own body. Pressing his tongue flat, he licked in slow, widening strokes. He reached beneath her, and she lifted for him, letting him gather the round of her buttocks in a firm grip that shaped itself to them. Pressing his face against her, he sucked at the hot liquor of her sex, pulling her closer still to him, devouring her with lips and tongue and teeth.
She squirmed, turning beneath him, tugging at his hips. His moan as he realized she wanted to do the same to him sent a hot tremor through her. He moved as her hands bade him, kneeling over her, all his strength commanded by her touch. She wrapped her fingers around his rigid shaft with greedy adulation and took the head between her lips, sucking with thirsty delight at the springy tenderness crowning it. The pulse of his desire raged so fast and hard she felt it against her tongue, felt it in the shivering, sobbing breath he drew as her tongue rubbed wet and hot against the living power of his flesh.
She stroked the curves of his buttocks, grasping and kneading the lush muscle, then slid her fingertips inward, savoring the heat within the deep cleft. He moaned a protest that was a plea, muscles contracting as she stroked one finger between his cheeks. She teased the tender hidden opening as his tongue caressed the portal of her body. She pressed into him, his tongue invading her, sending shocks through her one after another. His sex throbbed wildly, and he tried to tug away, but she pulled him closer, pressing her finger further into the secret tightness of him, feeling the silken vulnerability of that inner skin. He gave a cry, pulsing hotly into her mouth as his tongue thrust deep into her. Explosions burst in her body, her brain, racing through her in shock waves of blinding light. She drank greedily, filling herself with his bittersweet seed. Rafe groaned against her, each dazzling pulsation, each rush of brightness, a new oblivion as they drowned together in a sea of opalescent white flame."

Heart of Deception -- Taylor Chase

Jello Boobs loved Two Cocks, and they expressed it on inflatable swim rafts. Maybe? Fuck if we can tell.

"His mouth traveled down from her gently jiggling breasts to her belly, and down the tangled mound of her womanhood where she was parted by his loving. Her body arched to his lips with the pleasure.
'I want you to know, Eileen,' he said hoarsely, 'that I want you now.'
His hands cupped her naked breasts and squeezed.
He was quick and subtle and strong and sure. She never knew at what point he became as naked as she, but then she felt his huge manhood stark and pulsating pound and prod her loins, seeking their natural goal.
And her thighs parted for him and she let him come to her, because all she could think about was that melting feeling in her, that hot craving that had to be satisfied.
They were together then on the float. The float rocked gently. Vaguely she could hear the water slapping against its sides. And then she felt the sudden deep stab of his huge, turgid object and a small piercing cry escaped her, as the pulsating hardness forced deep in her.
And then they were moving in cadence, harder and faster, as their passions built with the intimate connection.
She lunged with him, dizzy and with it, the surging rhythm of his love-making, and harder and faster his invasion flamed and burned her core, till he built up, stiffened and flared his completion, the jetting spurts gushed and flamed her core, again and again, and again."

Art Colony Perverts -- Cal De Feo

Not yours, though. Never yours.

"'Thank you, no, I don't have a sweet tooth.' His mouth curved in one his swift smiles, his eyes crinkling. 'Except of course for for certain nectars from certain honeyed cups.'"

The Silver Rose -- Jane Feather

Once you pop, the fun doesn't stop!

"Touching his cock was like eating chips; I couldn't stop after just one."

Big Girls Do It Better -- Jasinda Wilder

Cap'n Crunch really needed to find a better place to bury his booty.

"He lazily explored the damp treasure until she flowed sweet and free, then whispered against her ear, 'the next time we'll do this without your drawers...'"

Topaz -- Beverly Jenkins

Cannibalism promises to do for vegetables what veganism did for domesticated animals.

"Her hungry little mouth devoured his chest, bit by bit, small white teeth nipping, plump lips working, pointy tongue tormenting."

Everything she Does is Magick -- Maggie Shane (Bewitched)

S.O.S.© body mods make cannibalism so much easier!

"She bit his ear and let her tongue scour his face and his eyes. It was as if she wanted to devour his face without stopping."

Dyke Haven -- Ralph Grant

Déjà vu cubed

Uncle Walter and The Wife are at the beach for the weekend and we've decided that instead of working our butts off to post something new and exciting for the next few nights, we'd just repost something. Specifically, something that made us laugh. Hope you enjoy this blast from the past!

"As for Jonathon...if you think he's not attracted to that lush, nubile young body of yours then think again, my dear."

We have no response to this. It's just bad.

"Those blazing but oddly cold blue eyes seemed to seer through her dress, their fire heating her skin, their ice freezing her nipples into hard little pebbles."

If Superman can make diamond out of coal...

"Hard, panting bodies, reaching for each other in a strictly primitive passion."

And the Rain in Spain stays mainly in the Plains. Say this one three times fast.

"Sophia had discarded her bra with reluctance, knowing her full breasts had a tendency to jiggle alarmingly when unrestrained."

Some women stuff their tops with tissues. She used Jello. And it scared her.

"Standing there as he was in the moonlight, with his shoulders squared and his fists curled, his chest still rising and falling with the physical effort of that savage swim, he presented an image rather similar, Sophia fancied, to that of a primitive man who'd just forded a flooded river. Soon, he would stride on home to his cave where his woman would be waiting with food cooking over an open fire. But this caveman wouldn't want to eat straight away. He'd been away, after all, for days, seeking out new hunting fields. What he suffered from was hunger of a different kind."

Wilma! I'm home!

"A sob caught in her throat, her eyes squeezing tightly shut against the pressure of his titanic desire seeking entry into her almost virginal body."

Iceberg! Dead ahead!

"When his head tipped back on a low groan, a ray of moonlight slanted across his face, revealing tortured, twisted features."

The Phantom of the Opera was there... inside her... where?

"Jonathon had cast a spell over her, a sensual, sexual spell that was so powerful, no woman could have resisted. Even sitting across from him at the breakfast table was agony."

Cornflakes can be quite awkward.

"Maybe her husband's virility had frightened the life out of her."

Death by threat of sex.

"By the time she was naked before him, her eyes were dilated, her skin flushed with heat, her heart racing madly."

She was either horny, or having a myocardial infarction.

"I'll darling you, you little bitch."

But he meant it in the best possible way.

"'There's naked and there's naked,' she threw back, even as she realised she was becoming aroused underneath the voluminous bathrobe."

And then there's REALLY naked.

"'God, you're not even tall,' she sneered.

Some men just don't measure up.

Bride in Blue -- Miranda Lee

Originally posted on Saturday, August 22, 2009