Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Losing weight the Mueller Exerciser way!

"It jiggled her heart, lifting it, making it pump faster."

Craving Jamie -- Emma Darcy

I've already had my distemper shots, so we're good to go!

"Let him ravish me like a rutting animal, an inflamed stallion rearing ."

Sex Diary -- Nat Brand

This book is out of print and unavailable for purchase. But we have a copy. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!

And, true to form, she soon wound up with a concussion and blinded in one eye

"Her heart beat a mad clacker inside her chest, excited and ready."

Highland Muse -- Sky Purington

It's called an haematocele and is often a result of trauma. Little about it is delightful.

"Walking was difficult, his balls so full of blood they ached with each step he took toward his dresser."

 Followed later by:

"Blood rushed his balls, slamming into them to cause a delightful ache."

Bound for the Holidays -- Mackenzie McKade

It probably would have been better if she'd waited for the novocaine to wear off first.

"Her mouth was extremely wet around his sack and he could feel saliva oozing from her lips and dripping onto his inner thighs."

 Sex Stalker -- Darren G. Burton

A vision-impaired wolverine. Like Hugh Jackman with his pupils dilated.

"His britches were undone and her hand encountered a slab of hot, hard flesh pushing and prodding against her skirts. It seemed to have a life of its own, like a blind animal."

Sweet Temptation -- Caroline Standish

It's been years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species, fatal or non-fatal?

"She had no idea how to help him. And while it would be interesting to have a reputation for being so wild in bed that a man's guts spilled open, she knew that was not the case here -- and if it were, it would be entirely too gross and frightening to ever attempt an encore."

The Fire King -- Marjorie M. Liu

So that explains how he got in there.

"Then she pulls her lips apart as wide as she can, about fourteen inches. Her hips pop out of joint like the jaws of a snake opening up for its prey.
'Come on,' she says.
She's so wet that she can't hold onto the sides very well. They keep slipping out of her fingers. I crawl onto the bed in front of her and kiss her, she tongues my cheek sloppily. I make a fin with my hand and slide that in first, then my other hand, and separate her opening as wide as I can.
I look up at her. She doesn't say anything. Just licks her trembling lips. I notice that I'm also trembling. My hands shaking like the first time I ever had sex.
'If I get claustrophobic I'm coming back out,' I tell her.
She pushes my face down into her crotch, like she does when she wants oral sex. I push my arms through up to the elbows. I can see them moving inside her belly. Then I put the top of my head into the opening and push.
Stacy cries out and begins masturbating again. I can feel her fingers against the back of my head. I don't know if it turns her on or if my scratchy hair is hurting her and she needs more lubrication. I push again. She cries out again. It's impossible. I'm stuck. I shove again, but don't budge an inch." 

The Haunted Vagina -- Carlton Mellick III

Loss of bladder control is nothing to sneeze at. Because sneezing can cause loss of bladder control.

"Her legs trembled, and her whole lower body seemed to go weak with a warm feeling that spread deliciously."

Passion's Bluff -- Cecily Cain

Polyneuropathy is a serious condition! Quit screwing around and get to a doctor!

"Then her groans of pleasure became whimpers, crying out as pleasure like she had never known before engulfed her, leaving her mindless, lost in a vortex of such scorching pleasure it reached to her fingertips and toes."

The Diamond Bride -- Carole Mortimer