Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Nothing sexy to see here, move along folks...

"There was his youth, clumsy and buoyant, all gross enthusiastic want, everything about him hanging out, his b.o. flying like a flag."

The Ugly Cock Dance -- Mary Gaitskill (Wet: More Aqua Erotica)

We're sorry. No, really. Because this is all -- ALL -- that The Wife could think of. Seriously NSFW.

"The hands on her buttocks squeezed hard, ramming the long, thick member so deep inside she felt it in her belly."

Summer Heat -- Jaci Burton

His laser of love had her honey-slicked juice box bursting into a fiery flower of fun-pudding

"Eliza gasped, managed to strangle the scream of pleasure that rose up her throat. Vaguely thought that he should have warned her as her body bowed and streams of white-hot sensation lanced through her, deep into her, coursing down to tighten something low in her body to pool and spread there."

In Pursuit of Eliza Cynster -- Stephanie Laurens

Which is better than a bladder emptying twitch, but still kinda gross.

"Matt angled his hips again, earning a half-moan, half-sigh from Eden and another ball-emptying jerk of his cock."

I Dream of Genies -- Judi Fennell

Alternately titled "How Do I Anatomy?"

"Calling on her thrice-weekly pilates training, she constricted her core muscles, her glutes flexing so she could grip him tight, like a fist, as he slid inside her."

Followed later by:

"The angle change meant the length of his cock now slid against her G-spot, that electrified, pleasure-charged sensor sending tight, tingling spirals of pleasure up, higher and higher in her belly."

A SEAL's Seduction -- Tawny Weber

It's been years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species, fatal or non-fatal?

"She had no idea how to help him. And while it would be interesting to have a reputation for being so wild in bed that a man's guts spilled open, she knew that was not the case here -- and if it were, it would be entirely too gross and frightening to ever attempt an encore."

The Fire King -- Marjorie M. Liu

Loss of bladder control is nothing to sneeze at. Because sneezing can cause loss of bladder control.

"Her legs trembled, and her whole lower body seemed to go weak with a warm feeling that spread deliciously."

Passion's Bluff -- Cecily Cain

A slimy, befanged alien erupted out of him. It attached to her and did something unseemly with an ovipositor.

"Olivia had never known desire until she met Stephen, and now it was an urgent, writhing thing inside her, hammering fo release." 

Mesmerized -- Candace Camp

(Are you playing Kingdom of Loathing? You're not? Why not? What's wrong with you??? Seriously. Go play it. Now. And be sure to say "hi" to Uncle Walter!)

It's very complex. If the plumber truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear?

"The question on the table is whether Reece can lay the pipe like his hips promised he could?"

My Only Desire -- Adrianne Byrd

"Eyeball rape" is a phrase we never once expected to utter.

"It was as if their gazes had substance. When they scrutinized her body she felt them, caressing her breasts, soothing her abdomen, violating her private areas."

Felicity Jones -- Dee Dawning