Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

She had a teeny-tiny saddle made from macaroni and she'd finally found a teeny-tiny (baloney) pony

"His torso tanned all over. Long, powerful legs, and a cock that looked made to ride."

French Kissing -- Nancy Warren

Her rebellious phase didn't leave her many options; she became a vegan.

"Her mother, less inhibited, speared the steaming flesh in chunks, lifting her laden fork fearlessly over the swelling landscape of her breasts to her waiting mouth."

The Ripening Time -- Catherine MacLeod & Alistair Mair

It's certainly better than the alternative. Those stains are a bitch to get out.

"She pushed him backward, straddling his hard hips and aggressively responding to his kiss, all the while her fingers kneading him like a cat establishing its territory."

Satisfaction Guaranteed -- Lucy Monroe

Not everything is meant to be a sex toy. Creative is good, practical is better.

"She worked her way down the length of his shaft, teasing flickers of her tongue -- like electric butterflies caressing his dick."

Summer's Caress -- Tielle St. Clare

I've already had my distemper shots, so we're good to go!

"Let him ravish me like a rutting animal, an inflamed stallion rearing ."

Sex Diary -- Nat Brand

This book is out of print and unavailable for purchase. But we have a copy. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!

Cannibalism promises to do for vegetables what veganism did for domesticated animals.

"Her hungry little mouth devoured his chest, bit by bit, small white teeth nipping, plump lips working, pointy tongue tormenting."

Everything she Does is Magick -- Maggie Shane (Bewitched)

The author unpacked her adjectives. And adverbs. And similes. There was a lot of grammatical luggage.

"He cried out softly, in wonder and adoration at this innocent child who begged for a woman's fulfillment. He lowered her delicately to the cushions, and his eyes were like the eyes of the cheetah during the fateful hunt. He poised above her, all bunched muscle and knotted sinew. She caressed his muscled chest and began to breathe deeply, in a passionate rhythm. He forced her legs to part and his hard stomach brushed her own tender abdomen. Her fingers tightened on his biceps and his now questing shaft slid deliciously inside. Even as he entered her, he hesitated at the mysterious curtain of her womanhood.
She wanted to urge him on, but her voice caught in her throat. The surging violence of their passion hesitated, as storm clouds part to flood the drenched land with moonlight just before the howling gales come again. At this moment, De Rais was no ruffian knight. He was a master of the brush, entering her with a balance of hesitation and force.
Shan T'u breathed in sharply, biting her lip. her throat stung with the bite of Kung's knife. De Rais plunged, deep into her core, shredding the fragile curtain as he had crumpled her silken gown. At this instant, pain and rapture merged, as rocks and water merge in a garden. He was past her torn veil, and he struck now as a warrior strikes. Her legs wrapped around his tremendous thighs and her hips undulated. Again and again the silken rod thrust to her core, filling her. She was consumed in flame and the helpless sensations rocked her in wave upon wave, pouring from her body, drenching her flesh. Then she felt De Rais stiffen as if mortally shot, and white fire rifled through her loins. He moaned like a wounded soldier and shuddered under her clenching hands.
For a long time afterward, she lay nestled in his arms, and her skin sweetly damp against his. Her spine was pillowed in his chest and he kissed the nape of her neck and her shoulder. She touched her lips reverently to his knuckles and fingers and enfolded his hand in both of hers, as she had cuddled her doll when she was a child."

Jade Moon -- Erica Mitchell

I wanna fuck you like an animal. Specifically, a cat. Barbed penis and all.

"Then he showed her how to move her body; how to open her inner muscles for him. He became hissing cat and sensual man; purring feline and demanding lover."

Mine to Take -- Dara Joy

Déjà vu, too

Uncle Walter and The Wife are at the beach for the weekend and we've decided that instead of working our butts off to post something new and exciting for the next few nights, we'd just repost something. Specifically, something that made us laugh. Hope you enjoy this blast from the past!

"But she was so hot and slick, and she clung to him like a treed cat and whispered hot promises of a future he wanted so bad he could taste it. And he began to thrust more emphatically, to twist against her at the apex of each lunge like a tomcat stropping against the first person to ever offer a friendly hand."

Reader submission by yeehaw5977
Uncle Walter is not responsible for the accuracy of reader submissions.  In other words, if it's wrong, it ain't his fault!

Coming Undone -- Susan Andersen

Originally posted on Sunday, August 2, 2009

Armadillos have no sense of decorum. None at all. GET A ROOM!

"The orgasmic moans coming from behind Callie were too loud and impassioned for her to ignore any longer."

Candy Store -- Bella Andre