Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Twist gently to open, be careful not to break it. Lick the creamy insides with your tongue, one side at a time.

"My quim is sandwich cookie shaped."

Temptations of the Boss's Daughter -- Valerie J. Aurora

"I didn't say he was a saint. I said he was fucking Jesus!"

"'Oh Jesus, you're beautiful.' He dipped his head and licked a pebble-hard nipple."

Creating Merry Hell -- Emma Wallace

P.S. We're sorry we're not sorry.

Good Idea: Helping her cope with her feelings. Bad Idea: Helping her cope with her feelings via emotional vivisection

"He ripped open her chest and brought into the light the emotions she no longer wished to feel."

Easy Loving -- Sheryl Lynn

1st Place for "Non-Standard Units of Measurment & Awkward Analogies in Poorly Written Romantic Fiction by Award Winning Authors" goes to:

"Ursula invites me into the wardrobe. 'You haven’t aged a day, Timbo, and neither has this snaky fellow!' Her furry fawn rubs up against my Narnian-sized lamppost and mothballs… but then, as ever, I awoke, my swollen appendage as welcome as a swollen appendix, and as useful."

Cloud Atlas -- David Mitchell

At night I'd had these wonderful dreams, some kind of sensuous treat. Not zucchini, fettuccine or Bulgar wheat, but a big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat.

"Christy’s body tensed with anticipation as Jonny slid the dress up her thighs, revealing the paradise between her legs."

The Dick -- Jimmy Pudge

I'm sorry, we don't have a code for "robot hand grasping a man's penis"

"Panic like he'd never felt in all his years as a warrior dug into his gut, wrapping itself around his genitals like an iron fist."

Dragon's Kiss -- Tielle St. Clare

I Can't Believe it's Not Passion!

"Stars danced across her lids, flashes of summer heat mixed with thunder, and Lacey drew it closer, hoarding it, diving into it, buttering herself with the pleasure, always taking her higher."

The Groom Candidate -- Cait London

Thank you, Doctor Dick, for the diagnosis

"'Problem: I have a lance with a mind of its own.'
'You have a cloudy case of trouser brain?'"

Bedeviled Angel -- Annette Blair

What an excellent day for an exorcism!

"His orgasm seemed to go on for an eternity, and was so intense it felt as if his very soul were jizzing out along with his sperm."

The Aliens -- Scott Allen

The Waponi are known to have a peculiar love of orange soda... and no sense of direction.

"Her mouth was soft and gentle and wet. She tasted like the hot canned orange drink they'd found rolling in the floorboard of the truck."

Hill Country Holdup -- Angi Morgan